What I Wish My Horoscope Would Say

“Congratulations! Today is the first day of the rest of your life! From now on, your life will be perfect. Your career will take off, and you will achieve the kind of success mere mortals can only dream about. You will be rich, famous and respected. You will be idolized and adored. You will enjoy perfect health the rest of your life, with not even so much as a sniffle. You will be blissfully happy, and accomplish great things. You will win a Pulitzer, an Oscar, a Tony and a Nobel Prize. You will unify quantum theory and general relativity to find that holy grail of physics--the Theory of Everything. You will explain how the universe works, and will uncover the true cause of all paranormal phenomena. You will cure the public of its obsession with Paris Hilton. You will finally settle the debate between creationism and evolution. You will develop a cure for every disease, and will unlock the key to immortality. You will uncover the true identity of Jack the Ripper, find out who killed the Black Dahlia and determine what really happened to Jimmy Hoffa. You will solve the Reimann Hypothesis. Along the way, your husband will discover his inner Prince Charming, and you will live happily ever after on your own private island. Oh yes, and you will also raise a family of child prodigies who will continue your work after you’re gone. You will determine which came first, the chicken or the egg. And, for your crowning achievement, you will invent a pair of shoes that are both attractive and comfortable. So breathe a sigh of relief, and face the future with a smile, because from this point on, everything will go your way!”