A Zillion Channels and nothing to Watch

As of 3:30 this morning I have decided that there are not enough channels on TV so I’m going to start my own. It’s going to be called the Random Channel and it will be filled 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with nothing but shows about totally random and bizarre topics that none of the other basic channels will cover because

(a) they’re chicken

(2) they’re already too jammed up with horrible, awful reality shows and reruns of Law and Order.

I’m still working on the schedule but so far the line up is AWESOME and you guys are gonna thank me when you can’t sleep at 3:30 in the morning and instead of Family Feud and Snuggie commercials you can watch cool stuff like How NOT to Eat the Noodle, a talk show on which various experts will discuss the proper way to eat Ramen noodles (topics will include Break it up first or eat it in one long string? and Add seasoning before or after draining? with an occasional noodle fight to keep things interesting), or Celebutard Deathmatch, co-hosted by Ryan Seacrest and Mario Lopez with live-action matches like Britney Spears vs. Her Own Inner Demons and The Large-Breasted Lohan Sisters vs. Each Other.

Other shows currently in development:

*It’s Gargamel! – A long overdue spin-off of The Smurfs, starring the totally underrated monk-robed supervillain where he finally shows those little blue buggers who’s boss.

*Fire Talk — An hour-long talk show centered around fire, with topics like "My Kindling Can Kick Your Newspaper’s Ass" and "Lighter Fluid is for Sissies"

*1,001 Ways to Euthanize Dustin Diamond – A game show pitting contestants against each other to see who can come up with the most creative and effective method

*Republican Rehab — Dr. Drew and Al Franken team up to get several Republicans over the hump of their addiction to being an asshole and help them cope with the harsh realities of the Barack Obama presidency

*Lazy Rocks — Each episode will follow a different lazy person to find out how they manage their sloth, with helpful tips and suggestions to be a better lazy ass in your own life


When I run out of shows for Random TV (which will NEVER happen), I’ll just show back-to-back reruns of Simon and Simon and Hart to Hart over and over again. Because for some reason those shows just scream “repeat” to me.

Stay tuned.

PS: This post comes to you courtesy of my broken air conditioner that has made my house hotter than the hubs of Hell.....making it impossible to sleep. So I spent most of the night watching really awful, horrible, crap TV because at 3:30 AM I am not kidding, it’s nothing but Family Feud and the Snuggie, people. And not even the good Family Feud from back in the day when Richard Dawson was always drunk and would french kiss everybody but the crappy version with that huge Louie Anderson guy who HAS NEVER BEEN FUNNY.