Friday, May 23, 2008

So am I just the worlds worst mother, or what?

Oh my gosh.....why are children so trying sometimes? My 8 year old has been testing my patience to it's breaking point lately. He is just an angry, defiant little boy and I really don't understand why. He is pouty and disrespectful in school, he's mean to his brother, he laughs in the face of authority. I honestly don't know how to deal with him. I get seriously fed up to the point that I don't know how to deal, and then I feel guilty for feeling that way. What kind of mother wants to walk away from her child and never look back?

I just wish I knew how to reach him. He won't talk or open up about his feelings. He draws violent pictures, he throws things, and hits his little brother daily. He also has toilet regression issues which I don't understand either. (Medically they can't find a reason for it) Today he tried to run away. He and his brother walk to school as it is literally a block from our house. Well, as they are getting ready to cross the street to the school, Randall decides that he's not going to school and tries to keep walking down the road (to who knows where, but he was going). Andrew grabbed him by the arm and tried to pull him across the road to school. So there they are having a screaming tug of war IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET. The school principal had to go break it up and bring him into the school. What must she think of me as a mother?

I know that God gave me this child for a reason, but right now I feel like I'm incapable of being a good parent. I don't have the patience for him, I don't know how to understand him, how to let him know that it's okay to tell me his feelings instead of being angry and destructive. Please don't get me wrong, I love my son.....immeasurably. I really just wish I knew what to do.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Goodbye, Sweet Maddie!!

This past week our family lost our beloved momma spaniel, Maddie. She was a wonderful girl and great momma. We just recently moved into a new house in an undeveloped neighborhood. She, her mate and her litter (3 adorable pups) were out in the backyard playing while my sons and I were moving things from the garage into the house. Before the night was over she was gone; bitten by a snake while trying to protect her babies.

Our house has been much quieter now as the joy she brought our family has been silenced. We made a massively difficult, yet completely unselfish decision to rehome her mate, as he is just so broken hearted without her here. A friend of ours in Alabama is a breeder and has a lot of dogs and a lot of land. She was willing to give him a wonderful home. So, now I am left with an orphaned litter of babies to care for. I'm not sure what it will be like when the find forever families.

I really do hope that animals have spirits and that there is a special place for my Maddie at the Father's feet. If any dog deserved a heaven, it is her. RIP Lady Madelyn (June 21, 2005 - May 7, 2008)

Monday, May 5, 2008

I think I'm in love with my ward

(OK, to clear up any confusion with my non-LDS readers.....a ward is another name for my LDS church congregation that I attend.)

I have been a member of my church my entire life. I was born into it, baptized into it, served many callings in many capacities. I've walked away from it.... and come back. And I've struggled, epsecially since getting married to remain active. I've been in wards where the members were indifferent, the leaders were cold and the feeling was not one that embraced what I feel that the church should be. I've had bishops I've loved, and more that I haven't -- and I've NEVER felt comfortable in Relief Society. I've always embraced callings that would take me out of Relief Society on Sundays because I've just never felt the kinship and sisterhood that I imagine this group is supposed to be.

All that changed when I moved to Texas. I have been blessed beyond measure to have found myself in this ward. From the first week we moved here, I had neighbors from the church at my home before I even knew that people knew we were moving in. (Thank you, Dee Adams) My children have been invited into primary with open arms.....even when months go by that my inactive self takes over and my kids miss weeks of Sunday School at a time. My visiting teachers have not missed a month in 4 years. Even if we can't physically get a face to face connection each month, I know I can expect a phone call, email or letter in my mailbox so that I know I am still thought about. Never in my life have I been so impressed with a group of sisters. For the first time in the almost 14 yrs I've been attending relief society, I feel at ease. I feel like these women really care about me as a person, as a fellow daughter of God. I don't get made to feel like a pariah if I only come to church once every six months. I am still invited in and welcomed as if I'd never been gone. I have been invited by other mothers to come share time with them and their kids, and I really, truly feel that this is the place I'm supposed to be. This is the ONE ward that is going to help me fully embrace getting totally back into church. This is the ward that has helped me to fill the void that I have felt about the church for so many years. I don't know how to put into words the gratitude I feel toward you all (I know some of you read this is a shout out to you) There are a few individuals I want to especially thank just because you have meant so much to me since moving here: Sally, Windy, Allie, Mindy, and Maren.....without your love and support I don't know that I would have the courage to still muddle my way through and at least make the attempts that I have. Few as they have been.....I have a feeling that it's only going to get better from here.

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