Sunday, June 28, 2009

My Perfect Son's Wedding

My friend emailed this to me today. As a mom to three perfect boys, I naturally found this hilarious....(please click on these two items to view them in a larger screen -- trust me, it's worth it)

Thursday, June 25, 2009

A Lovers Quarrell

Dear Costco,

I hate you. It's over.

-Mayhem Momma


Dear Mayhem Momma,

What? Don't I at least deserve an explanation?

Hope we can work this out.



Dear Costco,

Reasons I hate you include but are not limited to:

1.) Having to fish out my id card just to walk through your doors. Come ON!! Like you are SOOOO exclusive and uppity. In case you hadn't noticed...You display your products on PALLETS. So get over yourself with your whole "members only" thing.

2.) It is guaranteed that I will lose my husband....who takes the kids in the cart with him.....every single time we go shopping at your warehouse. Now if I was in any other store, and my husband wandered off with the kids....I would be IN HEAVEN.

However, your items are GINORMOUS and therefore holding several items in your arms until you find your husband is awkward, uncomfortable, and makes me curse your marketing department for making me believe it's a great deal to buy a 50-gallon can of crushed tomatoes.

3.) I cannot stand your sorry excuse for milk. It tastes like crap.

4.) Your checkout lines make me want to commit myself to an insane asylum for suicidal tendencies.

You have a flippin' enormous warehouse. You have hundreds of customers pushing these wide-load carts overflowing with gigantic products. AND THIS IS THE BEST YOU COULD DO??

Ten checkout lanes, yet only 5 are actually open. Lines winding so far back, they are into the product aisles. And just in case I haven't slit my wrists yet, how about you make me wait 20 minutes to even see a register in the distance!!

5.) I know this isn't very green of me to say, but why can't you just throw my raspberries or other delicate purchases into a stupid bag? I hate the fact that you just set them back in my cart...where they then get transferred into my trunk...where they are just sitting there all vulnerable and exposed and scared next to the big, bad, 3,000 gallon laundry detergent I just bought.

6.) And the reason I hate you most? My bill. You make me all delirious waiting in that disastrous checkout line. And then the next thing I know, I am signing a bill for $400. And poor Momma is all "Wha-what? But I hardly bought anything! My husband disappeared with the cart and now my arms are all broken from carrying 3 of your freakishly enormous items and.... How did 3 items total $400?"

And your response is to basically shove my confused self into the "restaurant" area and be all "Oh, sorry that we just drained your bank account. But ooh look! A hot dog for only $1.50!"

Like I said, I hate you.


Dear Momma,
Whatevs. 100 bucks says you come crawling back when you have your next dinner party.
Choke on that.


Monday, June 22, 2009

The post where I cry and make up words

Look, I don't know if it's all this fresh cold air suddenly blowing through my house or what. But I'm about to get soft on you. And make up words. So just go forth prepared....I'll start with the end of the story first:

I was crying in the sock aisle at Walmart. Yes, the sock aisle. You see, it all began this weekend..... It was then that I noticed something: My son has lost his "baby feet". There was my Ryker, having a blast racing some car on Wii. His long, stringbean legs jutted off the side of his bed. And his feet did not look tiny and "gobbly" anymore. (yes, gobbly -- Derived from the word "gobble". Let me use it in a sentence for you:"I love to kiss and gobble up those tiny baby feet." ) And ohhhhhh. That fact just hit me right in the heart.

I'm a huge lover of my babies' feet. I love the chubbiness. The way their toes curled when I tickled them. The way my babies would squeal with delight when I blew raspberries on their feet. But suddenly....sitting there on my couch....I couldn't remember the last time I kissed Ryker's little baby toes. And now, his feet look so different. They look grown up. Bigger. Not gobbly. I should have known this was coming. Because lately, the older boys and I were having trouble telling the difference between our socks. They and I wear the same style sock...low-cut and white. It used to be easy to tell them apart.Mine were the big ones. Theirs were the small ones. Now, they look almost exactly alike. And it makes for a ton of laundry folding confusion for me. They always calls for me when he makes the discovery that our socks are mixed up: "Mom, these are yours. See, they are a little big on me..."

So I decided to go and buy them some new socks with some color to try and eliminate some of the confusion. And as I sat there picking out white socks with grey soles, I realized...I was crying in the sock aisle at Walmart. Ahhhh. I sure was going to miss the gobbliness.

Ryker's Baby Feet

Randall's Baby Feet

Andrew's Baby Feet

Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Amazing Men In My Life

"He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it."
~Clarence Budington Kelland~

This is the man.....

*who used to sing "Grandpa's Little Girl" to me

*whom I would wait for patiently every day to come home from work

*who gave me an appreciation for, and better understanding of, the Gospel

*who inspired me to be a journal writer and, by extention, a blogger

*who taught me to take pride in my yard

*who kept me captivated and entertained by his many stories

*who I love and miss every single day

This is the man.....

*who CHOSE to be my dad

*who taught me how to whistle, tie my shoes and ride a bike

*who helped me and encouraged me to take my education seriously (even if I didn't always listen)

*who showed me by example what it is to have a strong work ethic

*who helped me buy my first car, and get into college

*who shares my appreciation of root beer, scary movies, and Thousand Island salad dressing

*who taught me (probably without even realizing it) to be comfortable in your own skin, and own who you are without excuses

*who I am proud to say is my dad

This is the man.....

*who gave me the three most amazing children on the planet

*who has encouraged me to express myself more

*who has helped me stand up for myself

*who has turned me into a pretty amazing cook

*who makes me laugh with his rediculous made up song lyrics

*who loves, honors and protects me

*who shares my weird sense of humor

*who allows me to be myself

*who supports me in all I chose to do

*who has been a terrific friend, partner in crime, and husband for almost 12 years

*~*~*~These are the three men who have helped make me who I am. I love them all, and am grateful for their place in my life.*~*~*~


Friday, June 19, 2009

Kids R Fun

So I was checking out a friends blog today, and she had taken this quiz. So, being the good little lemming that I am, I had to take the quiz too. And, get this!! Apparently I DON'T think kids are the spawn of Satan......and I actually DO like spending time with them. Like, duh!! Was there ever any doubt about this before? Here's what it said about me.

“Whatever I enjoy—playing tag or singing in the car—I can do it with kids around. And it’s totally legitimate!”

Your type is the: Kids R Fun Mom

Playful and energetic, the ENFP mother finds her children to be good company and enjoys being with them. In fact, she says being with children justifies her own “being a kid again.” And children say she’s fun to be with — spontaneous, hearty, and imaginative.

Naturally drawn to introducing her children to the joys of life, the ENFP is something of a free spirit. She is less concerned with rules, routines, and schedules, and more inclined to give her children plenty of free time to play, explore on their own or with her, and have fun together.

Tuned in to her children, the ENFP mother enthusiastically encourages each one’s individuality and unique potential through a great variety of experiences. She is also quick to identify with others’ feelings and thoughts, making her an empathetic supporter of her children, not to mention her mate and many, many friends. you have a style? What type of mother are you?

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Just Because

Because of them I am a blessed mother.

Because of her I am a better mother.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Observations to share with my children

Dear Boys:

There are two things I love more than anything in this world: Making bullet lists, and YOU.

This is the marriage of them both.

This is really only the tip of the iceberg of all the things I want to teach you as you grow. There are so many running through my head every day, I’d have to write a book. I don’t expect you to follow all these to the letter — what fun would life be if you did everything your mom told you? Hell, even I don’t practice ALL of these. Some of them aren’t even lessons, they’re just funny observations. But they are ALL true, at least as far as I’m concerned.

I’m sure the list will grow and change as you do, but this is a good beginning. I hope it serves you well one day.

I love you more than the stars and the moon and the sky and the sun and the earth and everything on it.


*The single greatest thing you can ever be in your life is COMPASSIONATE.

*The best gift you can give yourself is a SENSE OF HUMOR.

*Having what everyone else has will not automatically make you happy.

*Finding what WILL make you happy is one of the greatest challenges in life.

*Always be nice to your waiter. And tip well.

*Be smart. But more importantly, DO NOT BE STUPID.

*Listen to all kinds of music - not just the stuff that’s popular now. The old stuff is really the best, anyway.

*Never be afraid to dance or sing in front of other people.

*Eat lots of vegetables, every day - but don’t be surprised when asparagus makes your pee smell funny.

*Be polite. Open doors. Pull out chairs. Make words like “ma’am” and “sir” and “please” and “thank you” part of your everyday vernacular.

*When you hear a word like “vernacular,” look it up, learn what it means, and use it in a sentence.

*Not all friendships last forever.

*Every now and then you will connect with someone who is exactly what you need, at exactly that moment. Embrace it, and appreciate it, and don’t be sad when it ends.

*Try to get at least a little exercise every day.

*Keep a journal. It doesn’t have to be an everyday thing, but at least write down the important things so you can remember how you felt later.

*Learn to play the piano and the guitar while you’re still young.

*Master at least one foreign language.

*Travel every opportunity you get.

*Try to find the beauty in everything, and in every person you meet. There is a tremendous amount of beauty to be found in this wacky world — you just have to look for it.

*It’s okay to lie to save someone’s feelings, every now and then. But anything beyond that will NOT serve you well.

*Always show respect to your grandparents. And listen to their stories. You’ll be very glad later that you did.

*Take lots of pictures.

*Never say goodbye to someone you love without giving them a hug and a kiss and telling them so.

*Everybody makes mistakes. Almost everything you really learn from your life experience will come from the ones you make.

*Read, read, read, read, READ.

*LISTEN to other people when they talk. Don’t just watch their lips move.

*DO NOT pick up smoking. It’s bad for you AND it’s smelly. It’s also very difficult to give up when you finally come to your senses. No matter how cool you might think it makes you — trust Mom on this one. Please. And if you don't trust me......ask your dad.

*For some reason, the more clothes you put into the dryer, the faster they seem to dry.

*Being good at math and science can open many doors for you later in life. So pay attention, even when it’s hard.

*When a girl hits you or calls your house and hangs up, it means she likes you.

*Always be kind to the girls who like you - even if you don’t like them back in that way.

*Give to charities when you can. It will always make you feel better.

*If you see someone who needs help, help them. Even if you’re in a hurry or have other things to do, stop. Help them.

*Never, ever hurt someone’s feelings intentionally. Even if they hurt you first.

*Always be kind to animals.

*For every negative thought you have, try to find something equally positive to counterbalance it.

*Make it a habit to give compliments. If you like someone’s shirt, tell them so. If you think a girl looks pretty that day, let her know. Everybody likes a compliment.

*If you’re sad, it’s okay to cry. It really is.

*Think of every new day as a fresh start.

*DO NOT INTERRUPT. It is unbelievably rude. Even if you think that what you have to say is the most important thing ever said, let the other person finish their thought before you say it.

*A wise man once said, “Silence is the hardest argument to refute.” And that is absolutely true.

*Never make a promise you don’t plan to keep.

*Always take responsibility for your own actions - don’t pass the buck or make lame excuses. If you screw up, OWN IT. Apologize, learn from it, and move on.

*Don’t expect everyone else to do things your way. One of the great things about this world is its diversity. There are lots of different ways to do lots of different things. Understand and embrace that.

*Play at least one team sport. You will learn a lot about yourself and how to work with other people.

*Stand up for yourself if you are being treated unfairly. Don’t be a doormat.

*Stand up for others if THEY are being treated unfairly and can’t stand up for themselves.

*Don’t scratch your, um.....yourself in mixed company.

*Take care of your skin and your teeth.

*Don’t try to be something you’re not for someone else. ALWAYS BE YOU.

*Never say never. Life is WAY too full of surprises to ever think you’ve got it all figured out.

*Don’t ever put anything in writing that you don’t want coming back to you later.

*When you’re driving, always assume that the other people on the road are going to do something stupid and reckless. And be prepared to get out of their way if they do.

*Never never never never NEVER drink and drive, or get into a car with someone who’s been drinking. Never. This is non-negotiable.

*It’s good to work - but don’t let your work become your life. You owe yourself so much more than that.

*There will always be people out there who are more successful, more popular, more together, smarter or better-looking than you. It’s okay to admire them, but NEVER let yourself believe that they are any better than you.

*See as much live music and comedy as you can.

*Pay attention to politics, and vote in every election.

*Use sarcasm sparingly. It can be funny, sure - but it’s also easily overdone.

*Getting presents is fun - but it’s even more fun to give them.

*There’s no point in arguing with someone unless you know with absolute certainty that you are right. So pick your battles wisely.

*Do NOT buy something unless you have the money to pay for it. (Translation: Credit cards are a BAD idea.)

*Keep your receipts.

*Never answer an email when you’re angry. And ALWAYS double and triple-check the “to” field before you click “send.”

*You will never be able to please everyone. So do what’s important to you and be as nice as you can to those it displeases.

*The absolute WORST place to show off for your friends is in your car.

*Never let your “stuff” define you. Take care of it, yes - but never let it become more important to you than the people in your life.

*Load the dishwasher with everything facing IN. It will get the most clean that way.

*Share your toys, your time, and yourself with others.

*Learn about cars - at the very least, know how to change the oil and how to change a tire if you need to.

*All humans are equal - regardless of their skin color, religion, income level, political party, or nationality. Treat them as such.

*Be self-aware. Know your strengths, but also your weaknesses. And recognize when they change, for better or worse.

*Hitting is never acceptable. Never.

*Eat a good breakfast every morning. Start your day off right.

*Offer true sympathy to someone in pain. It may not seem like enough, but it almost always is.

*Do not let the fear of failure stop you from doing something you want to do.

*Nobody likes a whiner.

*Nothing you say matters at all, unless you back it up with your actions.

*Don’t be a slave to fashion trends - simple and clean is always best.

*Never, never, never, never, NEVER take yourself too seriously.

*Always look at the moon and the stars with wonder.

*Respect the planet that we live on. Recycle, don’t litter, and buy green when you can.

*Always try to be original. Copycats are boring.

*Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to offer someone - and also one of the most rewarding.

*It’s easiest to dust first - then vacuum or sweep.

*When you look at art, try to understand what the artist was SAYING. Don’t just see shapes and colors. There’s almost always more to it than that. The fun is in finding the message.


*Appreciate history. The ancient Greeks, the Egyptians who built the pyramids, the founding fathers, the old settlers - they were all just people, like you and me. Their stories can teach you so much about life - it would be a shame to ignore it.

*Always observe your birthday, even if it’s just in a small way. It’s the one day you have each year to celebrate being alive. Recognize that.

*Learn to spell.

*When people ask you how you’re doing, they don’t always want to know the truth.

*You can do anything you want in this life, as long as you’re willing to work hard for it. Because you will always have the full support of your family behind you.

*Nobody - and I mean NOBODY - in this world will ever love you or believe in you as much as your mom and dad do. Ever.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

A Zillion Channels and nothing to Watch

As of 3:30 this morning I have decided that there are not enough channels on TV so I’m going to start my own. It’s going to be called the Random Channel and it will be filled 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with nothing but shows about totally random and bizarre topics that none of the other basic channels will cover because

(a) they’re chicken

(2) they’re already too jammed up with horrible, awful reality shows and reruns of Law and Order.

I’m still working on the schedule but so far the line up is AWESOME and you guys are gonna thank me when you can’t sleep at 3:30 in the morning and instead of Family Feud and Snuggie commercials you can watch cool stuff like How NOT to Eat the Noodle, a talk show on which various experts will discuss the proper way to eat Ramen noodles (topics will include Break it up first or eat it in one long string? and Add seasoning before or after draining? with an occasional noodle fight to keep things interesting), or Celebutard Deathmatch, co-hosted by Ryan Seacrest and Mario Lopez with live-action matches like Britney Spears vs. Her Own Inner Demons and The Large-Breasted Lohan Sisters vs. Each Other.

Other shows currently in development:

*It’s Gargamel! – A long overdue spin-off of The Smurfs, starring the totally underrated monk-robed supervillain where he finally shows those little blue buggers who’s boss.

*Fire Talk — An hour-long talk show centered around fire, with topics like "My Kindling Can Kick Your Newspaper’s Ass" and "Lighter Fluid is for Sissies"

*1,001 Ways to Euthanize Dustin Diamond – A game show pitting contestants against each other to see who can come up with the most creative and effective method

*Republican Rehab — Dr. Drew and Al Franken team up to get several Republicans over the hump of their addiction to being an asshole and help them cope with the harsh realities of the Barack Obama presidency

*Lazy Rocks — Each episode will follow a different lazy person to find out how they manage their sloth, with helpful tips and suggestions to be a better lazy ass in your own life

When I run out of shows for Random TV (which will NEVER happen), I’ll just show back-to-back reruns of Simon and Simon and Hart to Hart over and over again. Because for some reason those shows just scream “repeat” to me.

Stay tuned.

PS: This post comes to you courtesy of my broken air conditioner that has made my house hotter than the hubs of Hell.....making it impossible to sleep. So I spent most of the night watching really awful, horrible, crap TV because at 3:30 AM I am not kidding, it’s nothing but Family Feud and the Snuggie, people. And not even the good Family Feud from back in the day when Richard Dawson was always drunk and would french kiss everybody but the crappy version with that huge Louie Anderson guy who HAS NEVER BEEN FUNNY.

Friday, June 12, 2009

It's What You Didn't Become That Hurts

It’s not what you are, it’s what you didn’t become that hurts.
-Oscar Levant

What I Didn’t Become

*A famous writer, with a shelf full of humorous best-selling books to my credit

*Stunningly beautiful and glamorous

*An Oscar-winning screenwriter and film director, interviewed by James Lipton on Inside the Actors’ Studio

*Celine Dion

*Dorothy Parker


*An intrepid news reporter

*A college history professor, recognized by my wardrobe of corduroy blazers and loafers, and beloved by colleagues and students alike


*A triathlete

*A rich man’s trophy wife, with nothing more to do all day than shop, lunch with friends, and contemplate plastic surgery

*A superhero

*The realization of all of my parents’ hopes and dreams

*The perfect wife and mother

What I Did Become

*An aspiring writer, with a blog that I either love or hate, depending on the day, and a list of lame book ideas that’ll probably never see the light of day

*An average-looking 30-something, with a wardrobe provided by Walmart and sales racks at the local mall

*A movie fan with not a lot of time to watch movies, who keeps a running list of answers to Le Questionnaire by “Bear-naaaard Pee-VO!” (said in obnoxious fake French accent)

*An enthusiastic car, shower, house, yard and karaoke singer

*A girl who is supposed to wear glasses


*Someone who can’t watch hard hitting TV news shows because it freaks me out

*Fiercely protective of my small circle of close friends and family

*Proud of myself for starting to take the stairs

*Happily married to a silly, handsome man who makes me laugh and infuriates me and is a remarkable father and husband, a man I wouldn’t trade for all the multi-billionaires in the world

*A terrible multi-tasker with a lazy streak and a severe case of Mom-nesia

*Always hopeful that better things are just around the corner

*A not-so-perfect wife and mom, who makes a lot of mistakes but tries to learn from them, and who has more love in her heart for the special people in her life than she ever thought possible.

You know what else I’ve become? Genuinely grateful for every good thing I have in my life. And that includes a lot of things – parents who love and support me, a roof over my head, kids who keep me on my toes, the ability to find humor (even in a terrible situation), every person who reads this blog (even the ones who think I suck), my husband, and my beautiful, happy sons.

Overall, I’d say I’m not doing so bad.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

More Stuff I Don't Get

I warned you I'd come up with more stuff to add to my original ‘I Don’t Get It’ List. Well, here’s the latest…

Ryan Seacrest -- host of “American Idol” What number do I have to call to vote THAT guy off the show? After 8 years his perfect hair and perfect teeth, and lame attempts at humor have me thinking maybe he should have been voted off after the first year.

Daylight Savings Time -- Twice a year, my schedule is thrown completely out of whack because of this antiquated ritual. It takes me days to recover. And now that I have kids the inconvenience is multiplied by a thousand. Have you ever tried to get 3 rambunctious boys to sleep an hour before their usual time? Not to mention, it’s already hard enough for me to drag ass out of bed to go to work in the morning. Now I have to do it in the dark. How is that better?

While I’m on the subject, how exactly is this schedule shift supposed to save electricity? Sure feels like I’m using the same amount, if not more, when my lights go on in the morning because there’s, well, NO SUNLIGHT. Also, my electricity bill seems to disprove that whole energy-saving theory. The big draw seems to be an extra hour of sunlight at night. What the hell am I going to do with that? I’m so tired by the time I get home, I’m praying for the dark so I can go to bed. More time to play tag football at the park? Yeah, that’ll happen. More time for riding bikes on the trails? Woo friggin’ hoo.

Politician Sex Scandals -- You’re in a position of power! People are watching you! Just commit yourself to celibacy, or at least monogamy, for the four to eight years of your term. You WANTED this, remember? Now keep it in your pants! There will plenty of time for fetishes AFTER your term is up. Unless, of course, your fetish is to be a well-known politician caught in a sex scandal. If that’s the case, more power to ya!

Low-fat Ranch Dressing -- I’m no fan of low-fat anything, but ranch dressing is the worst. Does ANYONE like this stuff? I’d rather be fat. (Which probably explains my remaining fourty pounds of baby weight, five years after the fact.)

The guy who races to pass me just before a red light -- Listen dude, no matter how fast you go to pass me, we’re still going to end up waiting together at the light. And when it turns green, we will go again at the same time. The only place you will really get to sooner than me is the car repair shop, to replace your brakes for over-use.

Big, chunky, platform flip-flops -- I hate flip flops at the best of times, but these things really have me baffles. They CAN’T be more comfortable. They’re DEFINITELY noisier. They DON’T look better. So WHY?

Why there are no facilities for kids on airplanes -- Nobody wants to hear a screaming baby on an airplane. But there’s nothing on a plane to keep the kid occupied, no space to crawl around, not even a changing table in the bathroom. Two or three hours is a LONG time to go when your ears are popping and you don’t undertand why, you have no real toys and even if you did there’d be no place to play with them, and you have a wet diaper. And poor mothers are the one getting dirty looks when their kid is crying? If I had a billion dollars I’d start my own family-friendly airline. Why hasn’t anybody done that yet? (I am so lucky that my kids were all good fliers, at every age)

Tanning beds -- You know, the sun is free. You can get skin cancer without having to spend a dime!

Bosses’ Day -- Isn’t every day Bosses’ Day? Do we really need a special day set aside to suck up to the boss? Listen, give me a raise and I will happily buy you candy and flowers. Until then, you’re not my mother or father or significant other and I’m not going to treat you like you are. Now, Secretaries’ Day - THAT’s a holiday I can really get behind. Let’s have a day for the most underappreciated people in the company. THAT makes sense. But screw the boss!

Workaholics -- I don’t trust them. Especially the ones with families. Who would rather be at work than at home with their family? Listen, I totally get the whole idea of hard work to achieve the American Dream. But what’s the point if you’re always at work and never have time to enjoy life? You’ll spend so much time working to get it that you’ll miss all the good stuff.

Why the women of Polygamy are all so unattractive -- Maybe it’s the unflattering prairie dresses and work boots. Maybe it’s the tall hair. Maybe it’s the lack of makeup. I don’t know. At least slap some makeup on them before they go on national TV! You’re really not doing anything to further your cause by putting them out there in public looking like that. All I’m saying is, don’t expect a busload of converts to show up at your commune looking to join anytime soon. Having a lot of wives doesn’t seem like nearly as much fun when they all look like old hags. Marry a bunch of hot chicks, and THEN I’ll be impressed.

More to follow soon, I’m sure…

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The "I Just Don't Get It" List

**Obligitory warning to my readers: Some of the things you read in the following blog post may be considered offensive to some. So please don't comment about my foul language if you choose to read on. Thank you**

Every day I find something new that I just can’t wrap my head around. Usually it’s the stupid stuff other people do that I just can’t understand. But sometimes it’s a little thing that gets my attention and keeps me guessing. I keep a running list of these things, maybe someone will read it and have some answers for me. Here’s hoping…

Things I Just CAN’T Understand

*One-ply toilet paper -- What’s the point? I’m just going to use more!

*How the dryer knows what I need -- When I need a shirt, that shirt is always in the back, at the bottom. If I need a pair of pants, it’s in the back, at the bottom. No matter what I need, it’s in the back, at the bottom. How does it know? Is it watching me?

*People who don’t pick up after their kids at restaurants -- one I actually understand, but just find completely appalling and offensive. Don’t you realize you’re giving all parents a bad name? YOU are the reason why we get dirty looks when we take our boys out to eat. We actually had a waitress tell us once that she loved us when we cleaned up after ourselves. How sad.

*Why four-way stops always turn into such a zoo. -- Just take your turn! It’s okay, don’t be afraid.

*Vanity license plates -- Unless it’s just really, really funny, what’s the point? I’m not impressed that you can afford a license plate that says “2INSANE.” 2INSANE is what you were when you decided it was a good idea to put that on your car.

*Couples who sit on the same side of the booth at a restaurant -- They leave the other side empty and me wondering… why? It can’t be comfortable. (Unless they’re feeling each other up under the table. THAT I can understand.)

*The appeal of Neil Young -- Harvest Moon? Really?

*People who hang dreamcatchers from their rearview mirrors -- Do you really believe in the mystical quality of the dreamcatcher? How about its ability to save you when you ram into someone else because your view was blocked by an enormous, useless piece of crap?

*People who drive slow in the fast lane -- Enough said.

*Why America’s Funniest Home Videos needs a host -- Even if you really HAVE to have one, couldn’t you find one who doesn’t suck? I love watching people bust ass and scare the crap out of each other - why do you have to ruin it with that idiot, Tom Bergeron? (Although he is a wee bit better than Bob Saget)

*Fox News -- People watch this channel all the time believing that it’s a legitimate, objective news source. It’s actually shown on airport TVs sometimes. It looks like the news, sounds like the news - but it’s not REALLY the news. Shouldn’t they be required to run some kind of permanent scroll at the bottom of the screen that identifies them as a bunch of right-wing assholes?

*Why Paris Hilton is still in the headlines -- Shouldn’t being rich, stupid and slutty only entitle you to a couple of years’ worth of fame? Aren’t we there yet?

*Speaking of slutty: The Pussycat Dolls -- Congratulations on your big boobs and platform heels, ladies, but those things do NOT automatically equal talent!

*Why Hummers are still sold to the general public. In this day and age, it just seems ridiculous that anyone other than the military would shell out big bucks for one of these monstrosities. (Not to mention the enormous cost of gassing that baby up.) All I can think when I see one is, “Wow, he must have a REALLY small penis.”

Anything I’ve forgotten? Anything I’m totally wrong about? Anyone? Anyone?

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Ryker was eating toast on the couch this evening. Ross had left for work and the other two boys were (amazingly) playing computer games together and getting along. So, I was peacefully enjoying a rare moment of quiet and a good cup of tea.


Oh no. He. Did. Not. Just. Say. That.

There were so many things wrong with what he just said, I couldn't even wrap my brain around a fraction of them.

I quietly told him he had the options of sitting in the crumbs or eating them off the couch. (is that wrong of me?)

You know what he did? Moved down the couch to the "un-crumby" area. Now I don't feel bad about the options I gave him.


Friday, June 5, 2009

Laundry Room Treasures

Dear Family,

Please, please, pullease empty your pockets before throwing your clothing on the, in your laundry baskets because sometimes Momma does not check pockets before doing laundry.
I have told you this many times and would really appreciate it if you would follow the rules as I am tired of finding treasures after every load of laundry.

If you must leave treasures in your pockets I would love to find diamonds or cold hard cash.
As for the other stuff, I don't want any of it.

Love Momma

{My collection this week.}
* empty bag of chips
* empty bag of gummies
* pink marker
* small bag of raw celery and carrots
* empty bag of 100 calorie Oreo cookies
* scotch tape
* cell phone
* bottle cap

What kind of treasures have you found?

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

A Plea to TLC about their "too real" reality TV shows.

Like many people, I've watched Jon & Kate +8.

The fascination comes from a watching couple who struggled to get pregnant find themselves with a set of twins, then a set of sextuplets. Thank you TLC for highlighting reality at it finest. It was a great show. There were the couple's arguments and such, but to be honest, the reality of 8 children is no easy task. I only have 3 and some days i'm taxed like I have 10.

But, after all the tabloid accusations, the infidelity stories, and last Monday night's premiere, it's time to end the show. They have to. The camera angles have changed. In every shot that may have Jon and Kate in it, they're looking for a tense moment, a wrong move, a mean spirited comment. It isn't going to be about the children anymore. It'll be about how the show reflects the media's portrayal.

End it for the kids. It was obvious that Mady and Cara are helping mom out in a new way. Dad's not around, so they've stepped in to replace his presence. They're doing it honestly, but eventually they'll come to understand whats going on. When they are all older do you think they'll resent having a DVD set of their parents marriage dissolving before the world's eyes!?These are REAL people, with REAL emotions, and REAL issues that so many go through in a very private way. But enough is enough.

The show has taken a turn, I literally cried throughout the episode. Cried when one of the birthday girls told her daddy she missed him. This reality has become too real and too sad. It's not the same show anymore, it can't be. Kate's tears, no matter how her makeup looked, were real. I wouldn't be disappointed if that was the premiere and the finale of the show, it has to end now. TLC, let Jon and Kate deal with their family issues in private, do it for the kids!

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