Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
That got me thinking. I'm sure there are a few more gems I could share with you. Any of you who are raising only boys will surely appreciate a few of these....and as before, I promise you that each of these things have been uttered by me at some point in my almost 13 years of motherhood. What have you said to your kids that has made you scratch your head and think “did I really just have to say that?”
Stop making butt prints on the shower, window, snow, (it goes on and on).
No you cannot pee together.
Get off your brother’s neck (back, head, foot, leg, hand) he is not a toy (rocket, dinosaur, car, dude from Star Wars).
Do not hit your brother in the head with a ball (again).
No you can’t bump butts in the bathtub (shower or when getting your PJ’s on)
Stop calling your brother like he’s the dog.
Get your hands out of your pants.
Don’t touch your penis at the table.
Will you find your brother please?
Call the dog and make him clean up the cheerios (grilled cheese, noodles, cookies well you get the point).
Put it away, nobody wants to look at it.
Shut the door, nobody wants to watch you poop.
Did you wipe?
Did you wash your hands?
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Anyway, before I get to the contestants, let me say how much I loved Kara's boots. So cute. OK. That's out of my system, here we go.
OK, well it appears that I have lost my note sheet for todays blog, so I'm going to have to wing it from memory.
After watching the entire show, I think that the contestants have decided on taking poor song choices to all new heights. I mean, they had such a broad base to work with. I mean, seriously. Huey Lewis and Linda Ronstadt?!? Really?!? Ugh.
The bottom three were definately Tim, Andrew and Paige. The three of them were absolutely horrific with Paige completely wanting me to give up on the Idol franchise all together. She can only blame illness and bronchitis for so long before America just needs to wake up and realize that the girl can't sing.
Then there were the "Average Joe's " of the night: Didi, Katie, Aaron and Lee. Granted Katie did choose a more current song, but she still pretty much butchered it. And while Didi didn't sing her best of the night......I completely fell in love with her boots too. I know this isn't America's Next Top Model, but the women in boots were fierce last night.
Finally the icing on the cake of the evening was Mike, Crystal and Siobhan. I have a feeling that this group will be your top three to the end of the season. Call it a hunch, or maybe just the fact that these are the only three that seem to have any real chops or passion at all. I have to completely disagree with what the judges said about Big Mike. I thought his "When a Man loves a woman" was completely heartfelt and full of depth. It was one of my favorite performances of the season so far. Crystal kept herself up on top with "Me and Bobby McGee". I think it was wise of her to pull out Joplin, which is definately right in her wheelhouse. It's going to be interesting to see her without her guitar next week. And Siobhan.....is just an amazing little weirdo. She's got massive star power and can belt out a note like nobody's business. But the screaming in every song really needs to stop. She needs to know when to bring that little secret weapon out and when not to.
Anyway, not looking forward to hearing Miley Cyrus sing at the results show. Don't care much for her or her music. But I think if Paige doesn't end up going home tonight, I may have to put a sharp projectile through my brain.....or throw a shoe at the television.
Monday, March 22, 2010
I love writing. It's always been somewhat of a passion of mine. (Ahem, as is obvious by this blog I've had for almost 3 yrs)
Well today, my 9 yr old recieved and award today in school. What was the reward for you may ask. Well, it was.....wait for it......CREATIVE WRITING of course!!! I was soooo proud.
The certificate he recieved said that he was "being recognized for the exciting, descriptive story" that he wrote. It said that "as he shared his story, students were waiting to hear the interesting ending".
Seriously people......this is a HUGE accomplishment for my middle boy, who hasn't always been fond of school or any of the assignments that came with it.
And then, to top off his fabulous day, he also recieved a second award from the Kiwanis Club for "demonstrating a positive attitude, good character, and responsible citizenship".
Way to go, Rand. Your mother is very, very proud.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
I, Mother of Mayhem, being of sound mind and body, do declare myself to be me in the face of you.
*Let me be messy and moody and seamlessly emotional.
*Let me be restless in my own skin and wake up searching.
*Find me laying late at night under the stars and let it not be a question what I'm doing there.
*Understand me without explanation or justification.
*Let me take up photography and design and dreaming, even when I'm not good at them.
*Don't wonder why I can't take your calls during American Idol or House.
*See me through the constant turmoil and eclectic happiness of one love.
*Let me not feel foolish for refusing to see boundaries in certain areas of my life.
*Sit with me while I reveal profound moments in days and relationships and sit longer still while I appreciate them. Appreciate them with me.
*Love my lack of self-control when it comes to my children.
*Don't look at me funny when I cry in theaters.
*Find my inability to parallel park endearing.
*Don't discount my quiet insecurities and my loud stubborness.
*Let me withhold and disclose at arbitrary moments.
*Practice with me the language of candor and of passion and of sincerity and depth that I've learned over the years.
*Embrace my inability to give up without a fight.
*Laugh with me at the same jokes.
*Accept my interest in things unjust and controversial, and embrace my love of causes for the underdog.
*Look past my passive agressive side and my proclivity for wanting to beat you at your own games.
*Let me have my hereditary insomnia love of yardwork, and need to always be busy.
*Give me my cheesy entertainment magazines, decorating books with dog-eared pages and scribbled in self help books.
*Question with me when I wonder about the hows, whens and whys. And then know why I must live a life so inquisitive.
*Remember that jaded and cynical are not terminal states of me.
*Let you not ruin my love for sappy, romantic gestures and the notion I carry that love can still be breathtaking.
And above all...let me be. Me.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
A poor mom of three, tried to keep from killing them.
Then one day she was cleaning up their roomd,
And down from the sky came a flood of doom and gloom.
Laundry, that is. Grass stains. Ketchup spills.
Well the first thing you know 'ol Momma's a cranky gal,
Kinfolk said "better than a root canal"
Said "cold water and high efficiency"
So she loaded up the clothes and plead mental deficiency.
Mommy brain, that is. Lack of sleep. Raging hormones.
Well now it's time to say goodbye to Momma and all her brood
And they'd like to thank you folks for turning 'round the mood.
You're all invited back again to this here crazy blog
Where Momma Mayhem attempts to let her crowded brain unclog.
Share stories, that is. Stay a while. Laugh a little.
Ya'll come back now, ya hear?
*Big Mike -- "Miss You": Well, he's fun to watch, but I wasn't 100% sold on this. He's an amazing performer, but his falsetto is a little odd sometimes. I owuld have loved to hear him try "Jumpin' Jack Flash" instead.
*Didi -- "Playing With Fire": Well, originally I thought that Lacey would sing this song, but it was actually done really well by Didi. I loved the way she played up to the camera, and the vocals were really well done.
*Casey -- "It's all Over Now": He's definately most comfortable with this "country" style of vocals. I quite liked this performance and seeing him break out a bit. I think if he sticks with this type of vibe, he'll do really well in the competition.
*Lacey -- "Ruby Tuesday": zzzzzzzz........oh, sorry. I fell asleep there for a sec. I hated the arrangement, hated the vocals. The whole thing was a hot mess. Her end note was flat before the run. And her outfit was really distracting. Why was she wearing a corset and skirt over a shirt and pants? Weird.
*Andrew -- "Gimme Shelter": If nothing else, it was nice to finally hear him singing a song not originally done by a woman. I think he probably could have done a bit more with this, but it was pretty good. Randy said it was pitchy all over.....but I didn't hear a bit of pitchiness. Ellen was absolutely right. This was his best performance since he did "Straight Up".
Katie -- "Wild Horses": I don't think this was near as good as the judges claimed it to be. I was bored...didn't care for his one bit. And her dress was a bit too "Little House on the Prairie".
*Time -- "Under my Thumb": I didn't care for the "reggae" style that this arrangement took. I still think that he is way too nasally. Another boring performance.
*Siobhan -- "Paint it Black": I know a lot of people are probably going to really hate what she did with this, but I LOVED it. It was visually, lyrically and theatrically amazing. I liked all of it. I think she has a bit too much nasal sound to her voice as well, but still the best performance of the night.
*Lee -- "Beast of Burden": He is another one who is too nasally for my liking. He sounds just like Creed and Nickelback....another basic, boring performance.
*Paige -- "Honkey Tonk Woman": It sucked! Hated the whole thing. There is no way that this girl should be here instead of Lilly. 'Nuff said!
*Aaron -- "Angie": Finally, something not completely boring. I really like this kid, and I think he did well. This was a nice, sweet melodic performance. Nothing bad to say.
*Crystal -- "You Can't Always get What you Want": I love this chick. She is always on her game, even when she's distracted. I thought this was awesome!!
So there you have it folks......if there is a God of American Idol than Tim and Paige will be going home this week. What are your thoughts?
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Yesterday, while chatting online with a few other mom friends, the topic of 'I never thought I'd say that' came up. One of the moms, who is a teacher, got things started with a few statements she says she never would have imagined herself saying.
"Stop farting on his head," and "there will be no more licking her," were two she shared.
I got to thinking, I'm sure there are many things parents say that, pre-children, would have never left our lips. Here are a few that come to my mind from several conversations in this household:
"That is meant for the toilet, not your mouth."
"Why would you do that to your brother's bum?"
"Do you think Santa likes that tongue?"
"No, babies do not come out of your bum."(there seem to be a lot of bum related comments...hmmm...)
"If you keep doing that, your face will stay like that." (Did I actually use this one? Yes, sadly.)
"The plants don't want to eat your dinner."
"Wait right here. I have to deal with the poop explosion upstairs first."
"Don't pick at it or it will never heal."
"Stop catching your fart."
"Pick your own nose."
"Don't bite him, he's just a baby."
"You think this is mean?!"
"You can get kicked out of school for peeing on a tree during recess."
"Quit stealing all the plastic baggies!"
"No, you may not pop your brother's head like a grape."
"Who told you about butt cheese?"
"Stop licking my leg!"
"If letting him dip his pancakes into his orange juice means he eats a decent breakfast, then so be it."
"What do you mean you accidentally picked your nose?"
This is but a sampling of the amazing way we communicate with our children. I'm sure that in some far off galaxy they are hearing transmissions of these very phrases and thinking "we are *so* not getting in touch with that planet!"
I'm sure I can't be the only one with a weirdo family. Please share with me some of the off-the-wall things that have been heard in your houses.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Alright, on to the show. First off, wasn't it funny how uncomfortable Simon looked with Ellen nuzzling him on his lap? Ha ha ha!! Classic!
*Katie -- "Breakaway": She sounded flat throughout the entire song. I think Kelly Clarkson is one of those artists you don't try taking on unless you are a hardcore powerhouse performer. Sadly, Katie showed no real emotion. Boring performance.
*Siobhan -- "House of the Rising Sun": I hated the a capella in the beginning. She sang the song way too sweetly for what the song is about. Thank you, Simon, for saying like it really was: "dark and boring".
*Lacey -- "The Story": Her voice is starting to really get annoying. She reminds me of Snow White with the weird Betty Boop tone and the overuse of vibrato. This whole performance was boring. I hate people who sing out of their heads. The only person who can pull that off and sound good is Sarah McLaughlan.
*Katelyn -- "I Feel the Earth Move": Jokey, Hokey, Karaoke.......stupid, lame song choice. This is what Simon would call a "cruise ship" performance.
~~At this point, I would like to officially take back what I said about Ellen De Generes. I think she's actually been a pretty good addition to the show. She's quirky and funny and a lot less cracked out than Paula~~
*Didi -- "Rhiannon": A million times better than last week. She and Lacey have similar vocal styles, but Didi pulls it off so much better. I quite enjoyed that performance. It was a beautiful arrangement, and she did it really well.
*Paige -- "Smile": This is Ryker's favorite song, and he said "Momma, you sing this song way, way, way better than that girl". Anyway, she seemed really nervous singing this. Her face was terrified, her voice broke amid the shaky vibrato. It was really depressing considering it was a song about smiling.
*Crystal -- "Give Me One Reason": I LOVE her voice. She's great. It was a good song choice for her, and she killed. Probably my favorite of the entire night.
*Lilly -- "I Fall To Pieces": Umm......Lilly.....what happened? I t hought this was horrible. One of the worst of the night. It was too low for her in the beginning, and it was just weird. I didn't liek it at all.
So, I guess it's a pretty safe bet in my mind that Paige is going home. I would have to say the other one is likely going to be Katie, but I think Lilly could be in trouble too. I guess we'll have to see.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
One of the most common complaints among my mom friends is that people are always telling them what to do.
"You're going to spoil that kid...Shouldn't she be wearing socks?...Poor little thing, hasn't mommy fed you?...He should go to bed earlier..."
Imagine that! The stereotype of the nagging mother turned on its head! We’re not doing the ones doing the nagging…everybody else is!
I’ve thought about this a lot lately. I’ve been wondering why I’m in a constant pissy mood, and I’ve come to realize that it’s because everybody seems to think they would be better at my job than I am.
And ever since I’ve come to this realization I’ve been freed of some of the brewing pissy-ness. In fact, the more I think about this the more I start laughing to myself, not unlike a crazy lady. Because let's face it, whoever thinks that they can do my job better than I can is just plain wrong. My job description is very specific: To raise three particular little boys, the likes of which the world has never known, and never will see again.
I’m the only person who’s ever had this job, and while I’m not perfect at it by any stretch of the imagination, I’m the most experienced candidate. Also, despite the inevitable complaint here and there, I truly love it.
Now that I have a paying job, no one criticizes every single decision I made. It was assumed that I was qualified. Now that I’m a mother, it’s the exact opposite. Most people think that moms are guilty of incompetence until proven innocent.
Maybe it’s because so many people seem to think that parenting is so easy any idiot can do it.
It’s not true.
There is no way that anyone can raise my three boys better than I can. I don't care if the person judging me has raised 10 children or is childless and convinced when they have kids they will never (fill in the blank). Maybe they mean well, I don't know. All I know is that I didn't lose my brains the day I became pregnant.
So stop trying to tell me how to do my job. I'll ask for help when I need it.
The management thanks you for your understanding.
Friday, March 5, 2010
In fact, with no background music, it took me a second to register that she was singing:
"Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy,
Grab my glasses I'm out the door,
I'm gonna hit the city,
Before I leave I brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack..."
**sound of needle scratching across an album in my head**
WHAT? What did she just say? I try to refocus.
"...Don't stop, make it pop,
DJ blow my speakers up,
Tonight, I'mma fight,
'til we see the sunlight,
Tick Tock, on the clock,
But the party don't stop, no..."
The song is by Ke$ha, one of the latest crop of pop stars, who isn't just a horrible songwriter, but a horrible role model. Like cigarettes, her music should come with a warning label--WARNING: KE$HA IS A SKANK WHO WRITES SHITTY SONGS ABOUT GETTING DRUNK AND GROPED AND YOU SHOULD NOT LET YOUR YOUNG DAUGHTER LISTEN TO HER.
Granted, it would be a big label, but still.
I started to rift in my head about how much worse the pop-stars of today are in terms of setting good examples for young girls, but then I remembered a scrappy, young, up-and-comer, from my youth:
Anyway, I'm not sure that the likes of Ke$ha, or Lady Gaga, or even Ms. Miley Cyrus are actually all that different than who I grew up listening to, except for one thing. We didn't have constant access (or Access Hollywood) to their image the way kids do today.
MTV was in its infancy when I was growing up, and we didn't always had cable. There were no cell phones or internet (or wheels). If you wanted to be negatively influenced by a celebrity then had to save up your money, get a ride to the mall to grab a record at the record store, and, of course, the latest issue of Teen Beat.
But the point is, I was horrified that the little girl on the stage, and more precisely her parents, felt it was an appropriate song to sing in this talent show.
I don't have a daughter, so maybe I'm being all judgey (which I'm allowed to, 'cuz it's my blog, yo) but I wondered if that girl had any idea what the lyrics she was singing meant. And quite frankly I think I'd be more horrified if she did, but certainly her mom and dad did.
Watching this girl singing about "crunking" and "her junk," made me so incredibly grateful that I have a son. Boys don't seem to try to emulate their favorite celebrities by dressing like them, or trying to be "sexy." The concept of sexy does not generally have a home in a prepubescent boy's mental roladex.
I'm sure my mother hated some of the music I listened to back in the day. But I managed to avoid teenage pregnancy, (barely), despite songs like "Like a Virgin." Sure I think you should Purell your TV after watching a Ke$ha video with your 8-year old little girl (actually I don't think you should be watching a Ke$ha video with an 8-year-old girl under any circumstance), and yes, Lady Gaga may be nutty as a fruit cake, but apparently even Queen Elizabeth digs her "Po-po-poker Face."
And if it's good enough for the original Diva, who am I to quibble?
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
*Big Mike -- "It's a Man's World": I just love this guys. This wa a great song for his voice. I was worried that the judges might think it was safe, but I'm glad that they appreciated it. Really well done.
*John -- "Gravity": Not sure if ballads two weeks in a row is a really good idea, but I liked this guys tone. However, just like last week, I don't really think this performance had any "wow" factor. He may be in trouble.
~~OK, I have to break in with a sidenote already here. I think Kara has been spending a bit too much time with Victoria Beckham. Either that or she got some collagen in her lips and is really testing them out. Either way, she has this really annoying "pouty, wannabe supermodel" thing going in with her face underneath that hideous spray tan.~~
*Casey -- "I Don't Wanna Be": I don't like the vibrato in his voice at all. And his breath control, or lack thereof, doesn't allow him to finish his words. I don't really think it was that great. The guitar playing was way better than the singing.
*Alex -- "Everybody Knows": For the first time ever, Alex sounded like a condender. He did this performance decent. He seems a lot more at ease behind the guitar. Really well done.
*Todrick -- "What's Love Got To Do With It": OK.....waaaaaayyy too slow. But his voice is pretty good. He had a pretty nice falsetto at the end. But that was the only part of the song that really stood out. He's another one who could be in trouble tonight.
*Jermaine -- "What's Goin On": More like what's goin' on with this performance?? Marvin Gaye wants to kill you for the crappy way you started this song. It picked up in the middle, but the song may have lost everyone by then. It fell really short for me.
*Andrew -- "Something to Believe in": I love the sound of this guys voice. The song totally suited him; really smooth sounding. I'm shocked that Randy dogged him as bad as he did. This performance may have been a little safe, but I still really like him.
*Aaron -- "My Girl": I really liked this. He didn't go crazy on his runs, and he seemed a little more at ease. There were a few pitch problems, but overall it was a pretty good performance. A far better cry than last week.
*Tim -- "Come on, get High": A HUGE improvement over last week. It wasn't super fabulous, but I really liked him. I was glad Simon said what he did after the other judges ripped on him. Nice job.
*Lee -- "Lips of an Angel": Well, I hate this song, but he sang it really well. I really think he picked the right song for his voice. One of the best performances of the night.
As far as who goes home, I think it could be either Todrick, Jermaine or John.....two of these three should be going home.