More Stuff I Don't Get

I warned you I'd come up with more stuff to add to my original ‘I Don’t Get It’ List. Well, here’s the latest…

Ryan Seacrest -- host of “American Idol” What number do I have to call to vote THAT guy off the show? After 8 years his perfect hair and perfect teeth, and lame attempts at humor have me thinking maybe he should have been voted off after the first year.

Daylight Savings Time -- Twice a year, my schedule is thrown completely out of whack because of this antiquated ritual. It takes me days to recover. And now that I have kids the inconvenience is multiplied by a thousand. Have you ever tried to get 3 rambunctious boys to sleep an hour before their usual time? Not to mention, it’s already hard enough for me to drag ass out of bed to go to work in the morning. Now I have to do it in the dark. How is that better?

While I’m on the subject, how exactly is this schedule shift supposed to save electricity? Sure feels like I’m using the same amount, if not more, when my lights go on in the morning because there’s, well, NO SUNLIGHT. Also, my electricity bill seems to disprove that whole energy-saving theory. The big draw seems to be an extra hour of sunlight at night. What the hell am I going to do with that? I’m so tired by the time I get home, I’m praying for the dark so I can go to bed. More time to play tag football at the park? Yeah, that’ll happen. More time for riding bikes on the trails? Woo friggin’ hoo.

Politician Sex Scandals -- You’re in a position of power! People are watching you! Just commit yourself to celibacy, or at least monogamy, for the four to eight years of your term. You WANTED this, remember? Now keep it in your pants! There will plenty of time for fetishes AFTER your term is up. Unless, of course, your fetish is to be a well-known politician caught in a sex scandal. If that’s the case, more power to ya!

Low-fat Ranch Dressing -- I’m no fan of low-fat anything, but ranch dressing is the worst. Does ANYONE like this stuff? I’d rather be fat. (Which probably explains my remaining fourty pounds of baby weight, five years after the fact.)

The guy who races to pass me just before a red light -- Listen dude, no matter how fast you go to pass me, we’re still going to end up waiting together at the light. And when it turns green, we will go again at the same time. The only place you will really get to sooner than me is the car repair shop, to replace your brakes for over-use.

Big, chunky, platform flip-flops -- I hate flip flops at the best of times, but these things really have me baffles. They CAN’T be more comfortable. They’re DEFINITELY noisier. They DON’T look better. So WHY?

Why there are no facilities for kids on airplanes -- Nobody wants to hear a screaming baby on an airplane. But there’s nothing on a plane to keep the kid occupied, no space to crawl around, not even a changing table in the bathroom. Two or three hours is a LONG time to go when your ears are popping and you don’t undertand why, you have no real toys and even if you did there’d be no place to play with them, and you have a wet diaper. And poor mothers are the one getting dirty looks when their kid is crying? If I had a billion dollars I’d start my own family-friendly airline. Why hasn’t anybody done that yet? (I am so lucky that my kids were all good fliers, at every age)

Tanning beds -- You know, the sun is free. You can get skin cancer without having to spend a dime!

Bosses’ Day -- Isn’t every day Bosses’ Day? Do we really need a special day set aside to suck up to the boss? Listen, give me a raise and I will happily buy you candy and flowers. Until then, you’re not my mother or father or significant other and I’m not going to treat you like you are. Now, Secretaries’ Day - THAT’s a holiday I can really get behind. Let’s have a day for the most underappreciated people in the company. THAT makes sense. But screw the boss!

Workaholics -- I don’t trust them. Especially the ones with families. Who would rather be at work than at home with their family? Listen, I totally get the whole idea of hard work to achieve the American Dream. But what’s the point if you’re always at work and never have time to enjoy life? You’ll spend so much time working to get it that you’ll miss all the good stuff.

Why the women of Polygamy are all so unattractive -- Maybe it’s the unflattering prairie dresses and work boots. Maybe it’s the tall hair. Maybe it’s the lack of makeup. I don’t know. At least slap some makeup on them before they go on national TV! You’re really not doing anything to further your cause by putting them out there in public looking like that. All I’m saying is, don’t expect a busload of converts to show up at your commune looking to join anytime soon. Having a lot of wives doesn’t seem like nearly as much fun when they all look like old hags. Marry a bunch of hot chicks, and THEN I’ll be impressed.

More to follow soon, I’m sure…