Friday, August 29, 2008

If I only.....

We have all heard them or even uttered the words ourselves.I only knew then what I know now. I am one of those woulda-shoulda-coulda people. Annoying, I know. I wonder should I have bought the bigger bottle of Advil? Should I have finished school? Should I have said more? Should I have said less? Should I have gone right when I went left? It drives my husband crazy every time I do it.

My life is filled with things I maybe shouldn't have done. It makes me wonder if I hadn't made the terrible decisions I had, would I be where I am today? For that matter if I had not made the good decisions I had, where would I be today? I think about how much I have grown; in confidence, in fortitude, my perspective, my spirit. I am more myself today than I was 5 years ago. This might not sound like much. Who isn't more them self than they were 5 years ago in some ways. Well, not everyone would see the possibilities in that. I am a wife, mother, and follower of faith. These are all self sacrificing roles, and roles many who consider themselves to be intellectual, would consider hindrances to self discovery. While I have little time to myself I have discovered more of me within the safe and challenging confines of these roles than I ever would have imagined possible.

As I look back on my (short) life so far sometimes I think, "Man I wish I had known then that I would meet my husband. I never would have dated "him" or done "that". I wouldn't have. Then again, those choices all led me to where I am now. I think less that it was my bad choices and fate, and more that despite all my choices, God was still able to work it out for good. Yes, I think that. Am I so big and important that God can't take my mistakes and work around them? Umm, no. I do wonder what would have happened had I not chosen what I did then and just listened to what I knew I should have been doing. This brings me to now. What am I supposed to be learning now for use later? What will I look back one day on and think "If I had only known then what I know now"? I know that I will. What can I look around me and learn from today? Is it that I should appreciate the days as they are limited?

I guess this post isn't coming together like I want. Sometimes it is hard to muddle through this mess in my head to get it out. What I mean to say is what should I be learning right now that I am running from again like I did then? 20 years from now, or even just 5 , what will I look back and say if I had just listened, I would have decided better. This is not about regretting the past or even anticipating the future. It is about making those changes now and being fully cognisant of the possibilities if you just stop fighting and get out of your own way. If I only knew now, what I will know then.

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