Literally every single one of these things has happened to me. It's time to lay down the law.
Dear Movie Goer:
1. Even the movie preview guy tells you to turn your phone off - yet somehow you're so enthralled with the 80's movie concession montage that you forget. So right at the climax, someone (who doesn't know you well enough to know that you're at a movie) calls you, and we're interrupted with Sprint's latest rendition of "Baby Got Back" in no more than 10 total tonal sounds.
2. And please, if you're the culprit above, for the love of muffins -- DO NOT ANSWER! Even if your mom calls and says your dad just had a heart attack - take that crap outside. It's not like you'll be able to hear her anyway - no...noooo don't turn up the volume. Great. Now I can hear her too. "What's happening? Oooh is the movie good? Did you see the first one? Okay I better let you go. Wait, did you get that package I sent? Good okay, well better go. Wait..."
3. Oh, and if you think it's acceptable to "text" during the movie because it's "silent" - you're forgetting that the brightness level of your phone's screen in a dark theatre is equivalent to a nuclear explosion . I use my phone as a flashlight in dark places, so please - "OMGYG2BK dis moV iz the BEST u shud b hre!! ok TTYL CU soon" can WAIT.
4. I don't care if you're at the movie with Helen Keller, there's no need for a play by play. With hands, words, actions, noises, anything. And if you're too dumb to know what's going on, and you have to ask, there's a perfectly comprehensible rated "G" movie in the adjacent theatre.
5. Rest assured the actors cannot hear or see you, so yelling at Ms. Getting-Ready-To-Be-Murdered to "Get out of the way!!!" isn't going to do anything but make my want to throw my popcorn bucket at you.
6. Speaking of popcorn, I know it's a dark theatre and no one can SEE you shoveling the popcorn into your mouth, but I know that sound isn't a cow chewing its cud - its really you...cramming handfuls of grease into your face. An X large bucket of buttered popcorn has over 2000 calories. Even if you're sharing that's enough to feed you for ONE DAY. So lay off - just because you had a "light dinner" and just because it has the word "corn" in it doesn't mean it's healthy and you need to shovel it in like a madman.
7. I realize you haven't been on a date in over 15 years Mr. Divorcee, but that Old Spice bath you had before you came isn't going to impress her. That goes for you too Miss On My First Date. That Baby Phat stuff is spendy, so lets not use a whole bottle in one night.
8. I don't care if you're going to "Veggie Tales" - don't bring your baby to the movies. I also don't care if he's "Normally so quiet" and "Never cries in movies." Get a babysitter or sacrifice your movie night.
9. Oh, and speaking of kids. Please don't bring your 5 kids to the 3 hour long "Curious Case of Benjamin Button." Maybe Hotel for Dogs, maybe even Paul Blart Mall Cop - but for the love of Pete even I know they won't "Just fall asleep if they get bored." No, they'll run up and down the aisles (just like at church) because you refuse to contain them!
10. No, I will not scoot down. I wanted the middle for a reason, and I got here 30 minutes beforehand to make sure I got this seat. So take your 20 person party and go up a few rows.
11. The cup holder to your right is yours, the the cup holder to your left is mine. It's not for candy, or your coat, or your purse....or even your napkins. It's for ME.
12. If you want a foot rest, bring your ottoman. I can go without the stench of dirt, sweat socks, and dog $hiz in my face so keep your feet off my chair.
13. Yes, I heard that. And that. I know you thought you could quietly let out that fart or burp during a loud part in the movie, but your ass is closer to my ears than the speakers are.
14. Did you pee before you came? Do you have plenty of popcorn and drink to last you? Because you don't need to get up and leave every five seconds. What's the point of paying $10 for a movie if all you're going to do is get up and down four hundred times, squeezing past me and obstructing my view?
15. Don't clap. Just don't. Applause is for live shows only - no one who cares can hear your obnoxious approval.
16. Is that...is that a DOG in your lap? How did you even get that in here? Actually, I'm not even mad. That's amazing.
17. If I completely turn around in my chair and stare at you, clear my throat loudly in your direction, kick your chair, or say "SHHHH", that means you're doing something to annoying - so quit it and take my hint.
18. Every single rule above applies in the PREVIEWS too!!!!