In recent years I’ve found that one of the things that haunt me the most is regret. I made a lot of poor decisions in my young adulthood. Things I shouldn't have done but did, things I should have been more proactive about but wasn't, putting my faith in the wrong people, and walking away from what would have been my ideal life.
It just feels like I've never been responsible for making the important choices and decisions in my life. Everyone else did it for me, even if I disagreed with them.....which it feels like I often did. I didn't choose my college major; which is probably why I dropped out after the first semester. I didn't choose to be violated by the student ward Elders Quorum president while my boyfriend was on his mission. However, when the bishop sided with this man and would not remove him from his calling, I DID choose to walk away from the church.....so, maybe I shouldn't be responsible for making my own choices. Because it seems like I may have made the wrong ones.
While I don't for one second regret having my children, I regret the life I've given them. I regret moving a million times in their short lives, never giving them roots, taking them thousands of miles away from their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I regret that I haven't made sure that the church was a cornerstone of our family, that my 10 yr old son still isn't baptized and that my husband and I don't see eye to eye on why he should be. I regret the fact that their father is so much older and unhealthier that he isn't as active with the boys as he should be. I regret not being sealed in the temple. Oh.......so much more many things.
While it won't change anything, it felt kind of good saying this stuff "out loud". Now maybe I can work on my life so that while I may have lived with some regret, I don't have to die with it too.