In recent years I’ve found that one of the things that haunt me the most is regret. I made a lot of poor decisions in my young adulthood. Things I shouldn't have done but did, things I should have been more proactive about but wasn't, putting my faith in the wrong people, and walking away from what would have been my ideal life.
It just feels like I've never been responsible for making the important choices and decisions in my life. Everyone else did it for me, even if I disagreed with them.....which it feels like I often did. I didn't choose my college major; which is probably why I dropped out after the first semester. I didn't choose to be violated by the student ward Elders Quorum president while my boyfriend was on his mission. However, when the bishop sided with this man and would not remove him from his calling, I DID choose to walk away from the church.....so, maybe I shouldn't be responsible for making my own choices. Because it seems like I may have made the wrong ones.
While I don't for one second regret having my children, I regret the life I've given them. I regret moving a million times in their short lives, never giving them roots, taking them thousands of miles away from their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I regret that I haven't made sure that the church was a cornerstone of our family, that my 10 yr old son still isn't baptized and that my husband and I don't see eye to eye on why he should be. I regret the fact that their father is so much older and unhealthier that he isn't as active with the boys as he should be. I regret not being sealed in the temple. Oh.......so much more many things.
While it won't change anything, it felt kind of good saying this stuff "out loud". Now maybe I can work on my life so that while I may have lived with some regret, I don't have to die with it too.
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4 comments:
Regrets...life is always full of them. I understand the hurt and pain that comes with them. Over the years I have become more aware of the Blessings from Heavenly Father. Which has helped me over come the feelings that come with regrets. With out the Lord in my life I don't know how my life would function. Just keep praying and all will fall into place. Your husband and you will soon be able to come to an understanding of baptising your son. God works at his own time. Things will fall into place when they need to. Just remember to have faith and things will happen. Sara Hamlin (friend of Allison Brown)
Thanks Sara.....just been feeling a bit down lately. Faith is easily waivered by depression, unfortunately. I appreciate your words, though.
As always whenever I think of the past and the things that I would pay millions to go back and change, the quote that pops into my head is: Life is understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. Like Sara said, Heavenly Father does work at his own time and he KNOWS of your every desire and concern. Pray to Him often and He will bless you with the knowledge and understanding of what you need to do. It's not easy living a life of regret and bad memories. I'm sorry about how the church treated you in college and it is extremely unfortunate that things weren't done better on your behalf. But understand that you are not alone. Can you imagine what a strong person you are to have been through so much and yet have still come out on top? Of course Satan would love for you to fill yourself with regret and sadness and not move on with your life in happiness. Another quote I absolutely love (and thought about alot when I was struggling with my faith in the church) is: "Satan trembles when he sees the weakest saint upon his knees". For that's when he knows that he no longer has power over you.
You're such a great person! You may not be able to change you past. Actually, you can't change your past. But you can determine your future. And the Lord and those that love you can help you through it!
~Allison (sorry for the novel).
The feelings that you are having mean you are on the path you want to be on! You have won half the battle already!! Take a deep breath and keep it up!! (O:
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