Sometimes I look at my children and I am filled with enormous amounts of amazement and wonder. I think about their endless opportunities. I envision their delights in future discoveries and the anticipation of countless adventures. Their laughter and the heartbreaks. The gigantic emotions. I think about the pride in every accomplishment, the triumph of success and the butterflies of first romance.
In these moments, I am often appalled when it brings about feelings that the best of my life is over. I know that I shouldn't relate their future to mine. I don't ever want to be jealous of their youth. The answer to my self-loathing is that I need to start living again. And not just through them.
Is this a common mistake for mothers? Do we sacrifice our own passions for that of our children? Do others feel that the only thing that they have to look forward to is the incredible journey that time will bring about for their offspring? I hope this is just a stage that I am going through because I'm so lost. It is like I don't know who I am or what I want for myself. I am trying to learn how to be a good mom. I am sure that a huge part of that lesson is to be a happy well rounded individual. Once again I am struggling to find a way to have it all. Why do some people make it look so easy? Why am I filled with guilt? Have I done something wrong?
I love my children and I want the best for them just like everyone else. I am filled to the brim with excitement for them. I need to find an ounce of enthusiasm for myself but I don't know how, what or where. Like most things it may be hiding in the cushions of my couch.
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2 comments:
I just watched an interview with the author Stephanie Meyer and she said that when your kids come you kind of have to lose yourself in them, they need you 24/7 and that it's normal and natural and to be expected. Eventually though as her kids got older she felt like she had lost herself too much and so she started writing.
Maybe you should follow her example, I'll be the first in line at your book signing!!!
Em, I love you. Seriously, if you weren't already my cousin, I'd want to adopt you as my little sister.
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