It Sort of Feels Like a Hollow Victory

Conversation with Ross in the car…


Ross:  You never talk to me while I'm driving.  You just play on your phone.

me.  Oh, I was just thinking that my friend J. is amazing, but she can't see anything other than her flaws.  I wish I could make her see all the awesomeness inside of her.  She's like a magnificent piñata filled with such beauty, and all I want to do is just smash in her face with a stick.


Ross: What the f-?

me:  But in a good way.

Ross: It’s amazing that Hallmark hasn’t called you yet.

me: I know. They don’t have nearly enough cards about pinatas. Hey, do my eyeballs smell?

Ross: Are you high right now?

me: No, I’m serious. If I said “It smells like ass in here” you’d know what I mean. Same thing with armpits, and earwax, and feet, and unwashed hair, but you never hear people saying “something smells like eyeballs in here”. I wonder if humans are immune to the smell of eyeballs.

Ross: This is not even close to what I had in mind when I asked you to talk to me.

me: Well, that’s the danger of not giving me a topic. I bet dogs can smell eyes. That’s probably why when I wake up sometimes Penny’s face is like an inch from mine, and she’s staring right at my eyeballs. They probably smell awesome.


Ross: Or terrible.

me: I bet they smell delicious.


Ross: *silence*


me: Smell my eyeballs.

Ross I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that.

me: Well, now I’m all curious. I can’t smell my own eyeballs, dude. This exactly why I got married.

Ross: You got married so you’d have someone to smell your eyeballs?


me: Well, not specifically. I mean, it wasn’t in the vows. But it was implied.

Ross: You know what? I take it back. Please, please go back to your phone.  You win.

me:  Really?  I didn’t even know we were fighting.  Damn, I’m good at this.