Lately, I have been in a pit of despair and I was beginning to be fearful that I would never come out. I won't go into a lengthy explanation of what causes these things to happen in my life, but it all ends up back at the feet of the fear of rejection and abandonment. I guess that things I have been hiding away in my soul need to be spoken aloud so that I can start to heal from them. So, this may turn into a really long story that maybe only needs me to say, and not necessarily to be read by others. If you choose to continue reading it, I hope that your opinion of me does not become jaded.
Anyway, back in 1995 I was going to college, waiting on a missionary who I believed was my absolute destiny to be with forever, and basically just having the time of my life and trying to keep busy. I would spend all my free time with my friends at the LDS Institute and loved going to YSA dances with my roomates. My then boyfriend was serving his mission in Talahassee, Florida in a Vietnamese speaking mission. Well, it just so happens that a close friend of his (and our student ward Elder's Quorum President)happened to have also served in a Vietnamese mission and therefore knew the language very well. This guy became my translator for the letters that my boyfriend would send home for me in Vietnamese (I think he just liked showing me how well he was mastering the language). The EQ president and I spent quite a bit of time together as friends, and then there was a day that I think changed the course of my destiny forever. We had been in the basement of his parents home watching movies or something and his demeanor became something unfamiliar to me. Suddenly he was on top of me tearing at my clothes and taking me into his bedroom. I will spare you the details of all that happened, some of which I think I have blocked out because I simply don't want to remember. That happened on a Friday......on Sunday I went early to church and asked to speak with the bishop. I had informed him of what had gone on, explained that this was in no way a consentual deal and I was wondering what he inteneded to be done. The bishop told me that the Elder's Quorum president had already come to him the night before and "confessed" everything to him. The bishop felt that what had happened was not a reason to release this man from his calling. I stood up, walked out the doors of the church and never went back. I cut all contact with my missionary, figuring I was too damaged that he wouldn't want me anymore. I left everything about the church that day. I guess I didn't realize that I left God there, too.
He has tried so hard to maintain a relationship with me, but I keep getting wrapped up in the hurt of things all over again and I've been holding Him off. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to feel. In the process though, I've flung the door open and let the enemy whisper things into my ears, heck, sometimes he's flat out screaming at me. I'm sure you all have been there? What all can he say? Everything that contradicts the true essence of who God is, but laced with enough truth to make it believable. For 4 years it was easier for me to be angry and blame the church as a whole for this terrible injustice. After the birth of my first son, I started going back.....little by little......a week or two here and there. But I never again have fully immersed myself in the church and the gospel. It's just too hard. I've been so long away, that it has become easier to stay away. But today the tide turned. I am uncertain what happened, but I had a really nagging pain in the back of my neck today, so I took a nap and when I woke up, I was done. D O N E letting SATAN have his way with me and ready to let GOD have his way with me. Then a friend of mine gave me the link to this video. It's 5 minutes and 32 seconds that will bring tears to your eyes and remind you of WHO is truly on your side. Please don't give up if it seems lengthy or you don't like it at first. It is powerful and the end is well worth it. It is my life portrayed on stage and it even shows my victory. I know it's not an LDS video.....but it still dropped me to my knees in prayer when it was over. I hope that means that this is a changing day in my life. I'm ready to heal. I really am.
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ee73e63418003b47d7d5
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I'm glad that you were able to express your feelings and to also understand that you have come from a long way and know both what it's like to have Heavenly Father by your side and to also have Satan pulling you away from Him.
Remember that because of what someone did to you does not reflect who you are. If you purposefully step on a flower while taking a walk, does that mean that it was the flower's fault for being there and growing where it was planted? No. So now maybe the flower's a little crumpled, but do you think it automatically gives up and dies? Not necessarily. It isn't made that way. So neither should we when we've been treated wrongly. It's not fair to ourselves or to our Heavenly Father who loves us without ceasing. Just as we love our kids and find our hearts break when we see their feelings hurt, God's feelings for us are a hundred times more when he sees us down.
I'm so happy to hear that you are willing to reach out to Him. Let Him love you and you will find the utmost happiness. I've been where you've been, tied up between what seems fine by the world's view and what is fine by Heavenly Father's views. It's hard. It stinkin' sucks. But it's so worth it.
I'm proud of you and hope to see more of you. And don't worry. My thoughts for you haven't changed. We all have a past and it's not fair to judge others because of that past.
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