Remorse

Sometimes, I feel like a big fat loser in the Mom department.

This week has been one from hell, with hubbys business folding and not knowing if we're going to be able to sell things off to have enought money to ride it out until the school year is over.....or if we will have to pull the boys out of school at Christmas break and head back up to Canada. I am stressed and anxious and my patience with the boys has worn thin. The bickering and tattling make me want to put my fingers in my ears and chant LALALALALALALALA...I can't HEEEEEARRRR yoooooooooo!" Some behavior issues with my youngest have me worried and frustrated and conflicted.

Their father has been away for hours at a time trying to get deals closed and equipment sold off, and sometimes doesn't even see the kids at all before they go to bed at night. I'm getting a taste of what single motherhood is like, with none of the benefits. The result of all this is that I've been a grouchy, impatient shrew of a woman this week. I've complained about my kids to anyone who will listen and I've carped at them about one thing after another. If bitchiness was an illness, I would require an IV drip of nice. Yes, that bad.

Today I found out that two people I know are facing the possible loss of their children; one due to leukemia, another due to an AVM in her brain. Another acquaintance was recently told that her baby has died in utero at 20 weeks. And -- wow -- how I want to take it all back. All I can think about is the fact that if one of my children died tomorrow, their last memories of their mother would be pretty dismal.

I'm sorry boys. I love you like nobody's business and my life would be so very empty without you. I would be destroyed if anything happened to you.

Hug your children today. Tell them that you love them. Apologize if you need to. I did.