Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Remorse

Sometimes, I feel like a big fat loser in the Mom department.

This week has been one from hell, with hubbys business folding and not knowing if we're going to be able to sell things off to have enought money to ride it out until the school year is over.....or if we will have to pull the boys out of school at Christmas break and head back up to Canada. I am stressed and anxious and my patience with the boys has worn thin. The bickering and tattling make me want to put my fingers in my ears and chant LALALALALALALALA...I can't HEEEEEARRRR yoooooooooo!" Some behavior issues with my youngest have me worried and frustrated and conflicted.

Their father has been away for hours at a time trying to get deals closed and equipment sold off, and sometimes doesn't even see the kids at all before they go to bed at night. I'm getting a taste of what single motherhood is like, with none of the benefits. The result of all this is that I've been a grouchy, impatient shrew of a woman this week. I've complained about my kids to anyone who will listen and I've carped at them about one thing after another. If bitchiness was an illness, I would require an IV drip of nice. Yes, that bad.

Today I found out that two people I know are facing the possible loss of their children; one due to leukemia, another due to an AVM in her brain. Another acquaintance was recently told that her baby has died in utero at 20 weeks. And -- wow -- how I want to take it all back. All I can think about is the fact that if one of my children died tomorrow, their last memories of their mother would be pretty dismal.

I'm sorry boys. I love you like nobody's business and my life would be so very empty without you. I would be destroyed if anything happened to you.

Hug your children today. Tell them that you love them. Apologize if you need to. I did.

5 comments:

tutietutu said...

I had a bad week with my kids last week too. We all feel like bad moms sometimes. The other day I yelled at mine right before they got on the school bus and all I could think of all day was how terrible it would be for that to be their last memory of me.

tutietutu said...

p.s. found your blog through some good old fashioned blogs stalking and link following. So, who knows where I started but I am glad I landed here. You have a great blog.

Allison Evans Brown said...

Oh Erin! I'm sorry to hear about your hub's business and that you may move back to Canada. I really would love for you to stay here! I want to get to know you better. But I understand that sometimes the Lord has a better plan for us. Keep a prayer in your heart and I'll keep one in mine.

And we all struggle with our kids at times. Just remind them that you love them all the time, it brings the Spirit in the house. Sometimes I find that when I pay attention to my kids and take time to play with them, or taking one or two out to have a playdate with me, that they're happier and much better behaved.

Good luck.

Michelle said...

I think that anyone who feels like they are a bad mother is actually a great mother. A truly bad mother wouldn't care.

Karen said...

haha-I agree one hundred percent with Michelle. You are a great mom Erin, the evidence is everywhere!!!

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