Thursday, January 24, 2013

AARGH!!!! Alternately titled: "Things That Grind My Gears, part 7 Billion"

Here’s another list of crap that just hacks me off. Clearly, I don’t get out all that much. And, I probably should just take a Pamprin and call it a day.

(I apologize in advance if any of you loyal readers do this stuff but I suspect, if you do, you do it ironically.)

To pedestrians who take their time walking in front of your car in a parking lot:

Is this your sad little attempt at power? Like even though you know my big metal machine can squash you like a bug, you assume I won’t actually hit the gas and do it. Are you double-dog daring me? Cuz’ you don’t want to do that….

To people with vanity plates:

I heart Salad. (I actually saw this one, I swear.) Really? You “heart” salad? And you think I give a crap that you do? Do you just want me to know you get all the roughage you need in your diet? Why would anyone spend extra money on such an inane license plate? I bet you have a grey ponytail. Don’t trip on your Birkenstocks on your way into your Iyengar yoga class, you tool.

Just as bad as this is the wiener (yes, I said wiener) who gets a vanity plate that makes no friggin' sense to anyone else. I do not need one more thing that confuses me in the world and screw you for making me sit and stare at your inside joke at a stop sign.

To people with the cartoonish family stickers on their minivans:

It’s all I can do to not draw anatomically correct appendages on you and your stickman husband. I understand having family pride and whatnot, but please.  Give it a rest with adding your 42 cats and fish and gopher.
Oh, and as an aside, I don’t give a crap if your kid is an honor student. Either they got someone else’s DNA or they cheated.

To the people who decorate their car for holidays:

What. The. Hell?

To the spammers on blogs (or “Spaggers” as I call them):

I believe there is a Blog Spam Factory in China for this (ironically it’s probably right next to the Apple Factory). But, for Hell's sake, learn English and/or even TRY to know the type of blog you are throwing your crap on. I feel the need to respond to just a few here:

From Peliculas Torrent:

“You recognize therefore significantly relating to this subject, produced me for my part believe it from a lot of numerous angles. It’s one thing to accomplish with Girl gaga! Your personal stuff’s excellent. All the time maintain it up!”

Hello Peliculas! Is Girl gaga our new pet name? So cute! And, believe me, dear friend, I do intend to all the time maintain it up. Thanks for the tip!


From Diablo 3 gold grind:

“diablo 3 gold get diablo 3 gold here”

Diablo, really, put the roach down and think it through.


From Pinterest Friending:

“Hello my family member! I want to say that this article is awesome, nice written and include almost all significant infos. I’d like to see more posts like this.”

Mr. Friending, I am on to you….by pretending to be a family member, you are hoping you will partake in the extreme wealth and title that will be doled out upon my demise. Well, my good man, I will demand a DNA test, so be warned!

Litigiously yours,

Mother Mayhem, Esq.

Thank you for allowing me to vent my displeasure. You are all my emotional equivalent of a high colonic.

1 comment:

Your Mama said...

WOW....tough day at the office?????
You need to start looking at butterflies, and stars, and flowers, and all the stickers on my jeep (hah...don't have any) but I DOOOO have a golfer on my truck :)

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