A Zillion Channels and nothing to Watch

As of 3:30 this morning I have decided that there are not enough channels on TV so I’m going to start my own. It’s going to be called the Random Channel and it will be filled 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with nothing but shows about totally random and bizarre topics that none of the other basic channels will cover because

(a) they’re chicken

(2) they’re already too jammed up with horrible, awful reality shows and reruns of Law and Order.

I’m still working on the schedule but so far the line up is AWESOME and you guys are gonna thank me when you can’t sleep at 3:30 in the morning and instead of Family Feud and Snuggie commercials you can watch cool stuff like How NOT to Eat the Noodle, a talk show on which various experts will discuss the proper way to eat Ramen noodles (topics will include Break it up first or eat it in one long string? and Add seasoning before or after draining? with an occasional noodle fight to keep things interesting), or Celebutard Deathmatch, co-hosted by Ryan Seacrest and Mario Lopez with live-action matches like Britney Spears vs. Her Own Inner Demons and The Large-Breasted Lohan Sisters vs. Each Other.

Other shows currently in development:

*It’s Gargamel! – A long overdue spin-off of The Smurfs, starring the totally underrated monk-robed supervillain where he finally shows those little blue buggers who’s boss.

*Fire Talk — An hour-long talk show centered around fire, with topics like "My Kindling Can Kick Your Newspaper’s Ass" and "Lighter Fluid is for Sissies"

*1,001 Ways to Euthanize Dustin Diamond – A game show pitting contestants against each other to see who can come up with the most creative and effective method

*Republican Rehab — Dr. Drew and Al Franken team up to get several Republicans over the hump of their addiction to being an asshole and help them cope with the harsh realities of the Barack Obama presidency

*Lazy Rocks — Each episode will follow a different lazy person to find out how they manage their sloth, with helpful tips and suggestions to be a better lazy ass in your own life


When I run out of shows for Random TV (which will NEVER happen), I’ll just show back-to-back reruns of Simon and Simon and Hart to Hart over and over again. Because for some reason those shows just scream “repeat” to me.

Stay tuned.

PS: This post comes to you courtesy of my broken air conditioner that has made my house hotter than the hubs of Hell.....making it impossible to sleep. So I spent most of the night watching really awful, horrible, crap TV because at 3:30 AM I am not kidding, it’s nothing but Family Feud and the Snuggie, people. And not even the good Family Feud from back in the day when Richard Dawson was always drunk and would french kiss everybody but the crappy version with that huge Louie Anderson guy who HAS NEVER BEEN FUNNY.

It's What You Didn't Become That Hurts

It’s not what you are, it’s what you didn’t become that hurts.
-Oscar Levant


What I Didn’t Become

*A famous writer, with a shelf full of humorous best-selling books to my credit

*Stunningly beautiful and glamorous

*An Oscar-winning screenwriter and film director, interviewed by James Lipton on Inside the Actors’ Studio

*Celine Dion

*Dorothy Parker

*Tall

*An intrepid news reporter

*A college history professor, recognized by my wardrobe of corduroy blazers and loafers, and beloved by colleagues and students alike

*Popular

*A triathlete

*A rich man’s trophy wife, with nothing more to do all day than shop, lunch with friends, and contemplate plastic surgery

*A superhero

*The realization of all of my parents’ hopes and dreams

*The perfect wife and mother


What I Did Become

*An aspiring writer, with a blog that I either love or hate, depending on the day, and a list of lame book ideas that’ll probably never see the light of day

*An average-looking 30-something, with a wardrobe provided by Walmart and sales racks at the local mall

*A movie fan with not a lot of time to watch movies, who keeps a running list of answers to Le Questionnaire by “Bear-naaaard Pee-VO!” (said in obnoxious fake French accent)

*An enthusiastic car, shower, house, yard and karaoke singer

*A girl who is supposed to wear glasses

*Compassionate

*Someone who can’t watch hard hitting TV news shows because it freaks me out

*Fiercely protective of my small circle of close friends and family

*Proud of myself for starting to take the stairs

*Happily married to a silly, handsome man who makes me laugh and infuriates me and is a remarkable father and husband, a man I wouldn’t trade for all the multi-billionaires in the world

*A terrible multi-tasker with a lazy streak and a severe case of Mom-nesia

*Always hopeful that better things are just around the corner

*A not-so-perfect wife and mom, who makes a lot of mistakes but tries to learn from them, and who has more love in her heart for the special people in her life than she ever thought possible.


You know what else I’ve become? Genuinely grateful for every good thing I have in my life. And that includes a lot of things – parents who love and support me, a roof over my head, kids who keep me on my toes, the ability to find humor (even in a terrible situation), every person who reads this blog (even the ones who think I suck), my husband, and my beautiful, happy sons.

Overall, I’d say I’m not doing so bad.

More Stuff I Don't Get

I warned you I'd come up with more stuff to add to my original ‘I Don’t Get It’ List. Well, here’s the latest…

Ryan Seacrest -- host of “American Idol” What number do I have to call to vote THAT guy off the show? After 8 years his perfect hair and perfect teeth, and lame attempts at humor have me thinking maybe he should have been voted off after the first year.

Daylight Savings Time -- Twice a year, my schedule is thrown completely out of whack because of this antiquated ritual. It takes me days to recover. And now that I have kids the inconvenience is multiplied by a thousand. Have you ever tried to get 3 rambunctious boys to sleep an hour before their usual time? Not to mention, it’s already hard enough for me to drag ass out of bed to go to work in the morning. Now I have to do it in the dark. How is that better?

While I’m on the subject, how exactly is this schedule shift supposed to save electricity? Sure feels like I’m using the same amount, if not more, when my lights go on in the morning because there’s, well, NO SUNLIGHT. Also, my electricity bill seems to disprove that whole energy-saving theory. The big draw seems to be an extra hour of sunlight at night. What the hell am I going to do with that? I’m so tired by the time I get home, I’m praying for the dark so I can go to bed. More time to play tag football at the park? Yeah, that’ll happen. More time for riding bikes on the trails? Woo friggin’ hoo.

Politician Sex Scandals -- You’re in a position of power! People are watching you! Just commit yourself to celibacy, or at least monogamy, for the four to eight years of your term. You WANTED this, remember? Now keep it in your pants! There will plenty of time for fetishes AFTER your term is up. Unless, of course, your fetish is to be a well-known politician caught in a sex scandal. If that’s the case, more power to ya!

Low-fat Ranch Dressing -- I’m no fan of low-fat anything, but ranch dressing is the worst. Does ANYONE like this stuff? I’d rather be fat. (Which probably explains my remaining fourty pounds of baby weight, five years after the fact.)

The guy who races to pass me just before a red light -- Listen dude, no matter how fast you go to pass me, we’re still going to end up waiting together at the light. And when it turns green, we will go again at the same time. The only place you will really get to sooner than me is the car repair shop, to replace your brakes for over-use.

Big, chunky, platform flip-flops -- I hate flip flops at the best of times, but these things really have me baffles. They CAN’T be more comfortable. They’re DEFINITELY noisier. They DON’T look better. So WHY?

Why there are no facilities for kids on airplanes -- Nobody wants to hear a screaming baby on an airplane. But there’s nothing on a plane to keep the kid occupied, no space to crawl around, not even a changing table in the bathroom. Two or three hours is a LONG time to go when your ears are popping and you don’t undertand why, you have no real toys and even if you did there’d be no place to play with them, and you have a wet diaper. And poor mothers are the one getting dirty looks when their kid is crying? If I had a billion dollars I’d start my own family-friendly airline. Why hasn’t anybody done that yet? (I am so lucky that my kids were all good fliers, at every age)

Tanning beds -- You know, the sun is free. You can get skin cancer without having to spend a dime!

Bosses’ Day -- Isn’t every day Bosses’ Day? Do we really need a special day set aside to suck up to the boss? Listen, give me a raise and I will happily buy you candy and flowers. Until then, you’re not my mother or father or significant other and I’m not going to treat you like you are. Now, Secretaries’ Day - THAT’s a holiday I can really get behind. Let’s have a day for the most underappreciated people in the company. THAT makes sense. But screw the boss!

Workaholics -- I don’t trust them. Especially the ones with families. Who would rather be at work than at home with their family? Listen, I totally get the whole idea of hard work to achieve the American Dream. But what’s the point if you’re always at work and never have time to enjoy life? You’ll spend so much time working to get it that you’ll miss all the good stuff.

Why the women of Polygamy are all so unattractive -- Maybe it’s the unflattering prairie dresses and work boots. Maybe it’s the tall hair. Maybe it’s the lack of makeup. I don’t know. At least slap some makeup on them before they go on national TV! You’re really not doing anything to further your cause by putting them out there in public looking like that. All I’m saying is, don’t expect a busload of converts to show up at your commune looking to join anytime soon. Having a lot of wives doesn’t seem like nearly as much fun when they all look like old hags. Marry a bunch of hot chicks, and THEN I’ll be impressed.

More to follow soon, I’m sure…

The "I Just Don't Get It" List

**Obligitory warning to my readers: Some of the things you read in the following blog post may be considered offensive to some. So please don't comment about my foul language if you choose to read on. Thank you**

Every day I find something new that I just can’t wrap my head around. Usually it’s the stupid stuff other people do that I just can’t understand. But sometimes it’s a little thing that gets my attention and keeps me guessing. I keep a running list of these things, maybe someone will read it and have some answers for me. Here’s hoping…

Things I Just CAN’T Understand

*One-ply toilet paper -- What’s the point? I’m just going to use more!

*How the dryer knows what I need -- When I need a shirt, that shirt is always in the back, at the bottom. If I need a pair of pants, it’s in the back, at the bottom. No matter what I need, it’s in the back, at the bottom. How does it know? Is it watching me?

*People who don’t pick up after their kids at restaurants -- one I actually understand, but just find completely appalling and offensive. Don’t you realize you’re giving all parents a bad name? YOU are the reason why we get dirty looks when we take our boys out to eat. We actually had a waitress tell us once that she loved us when we cleaned up after ourselves. How sad.

*Why four-way stops always turn into such a zoo. -- Just take your turn! It’s okay, don’t be afraid.

*Vanity license plates -- Unless it’s just really, really funny, what’s the point? I’m not impressed that you can afford a license plate that says “2INSANE.” 2INSANE is what you were when you decided it was a good idea to put that on your car.

*Couples who sit on the same side of the booth at a restaurant -- They leave the other side empty and me wondering… why? It can’t be comfortable. (Unless they’re feeling each other up under the table. THAT I can understand.)

*The appeal of Neil Young -- Harvest Moon? Really?

*People who hang dreamcatchers from their rearview mirrors -- Do you really believe in the mystical quality of the dreamcatcher? How about its ability to save you when you ram into someone else because your view was blocked by an enormous, useless piece of crap?

*People who drive slow in the fast lane -- Enough said.

*Why America’s Funniest Home Videos needs a host -- Even if you really HAVE to have one, couldn’t you find one who doesn’t suck? I love watching people bust ass and scare the crap out of each other - why do you have to ruin it with that idiot, Tom Bergeron? (Although he is a wee bit better than Bob Saget)

*Fox News -- People watch this channel all the time believing that it’s a legitimate, objective news source. It’s actually shown on airport TVs sometimes. It looks like the news, sounds like the news - but it’s not REALLY the news. Shouldn’t they be required to run some kind of permanent scroll at the bottom of the screen that identifies them as a bunch of right-wing assholes?

*Why Paris Hilton is still in the headlines -- Shouldn’t being rich, stupid and slutty only entitle you to a couple of years’ worth of fame? Aren’t we there yet?

*Speaking of slutty: The Pussycat Dolls -- Congratulations on your big boobs and platform heels, ladies, but those things do NOT automatically equal talent!

*Why Hummers are still sold to the general public. In this day and age, it just seems ridiculous that anyone other than the military would shell out big bucks for one of these monstrosities. (Not to mention the enormous cost of gassing that baby up.) All I can think when I see one is, “Wow, he must have a REALLY small penis.”


Anything I’ve forgotten? Anything I’m totally wrong about? Anyone? Anyone?

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Ryker was eating toast on the couch this evening. Ross had left for work and the other two boys were (amazingly) playing computer games together and getting along. So, I was peacefully enjoying a rare moment of quiet and a good cup of tea.

"MOMMMAA!!!! YOU NEED TO GET YOUR VACCUUM OUT AND PICK UP ALL THESE CRUMBS I MADE!"

Oh no. He. Did. Not. Just. Say. That.

There were so many things wrong with what he just said, I couldn't even wrap my brain around a fraction of them.

I quietly told him he had the options of sitting in the crumbs or eating them off the couch. (is that wrong of me?)

You know what he did? Moved down the couch to the "un-crumby" area. Now I don't feel bad about the options I gave him.

HUMPH!

Laundry Room Treasures

Dear Family,

Please, please, pullease empty your pockets before throwing your clothing on the floo...er, in your laundry baskets because sometimes Momma does not check pockets before doing laundry.
I have told you this many times and would really appreciate it if you would follow the rules as I am tired of finding treasures after every load of laundry.

If you must leave treasures in your pockets I would love to find diamonds or cold hard cash.
As for the other stuff, I don't want any of it.

Love Momma

{My collection this week.}
* empty bag of chips
* empty bag of gummies
* pink marker
* small bag of raw celery and carrots
* empty bag of 100 calorie Oreo cookies
* scotch tape
* cell phone
* bottle cap

What kind of treasures have you found?

A Plea to TLC about their "too real" reality TV shows.

Like many people, I've watched Jon & Kate +8.

The fascination comes from a watching couple who struggled to get pregnant find themselves with a set of twins, then a set of sextuplets. Thank you TLC for highlighting reality at it finest. It was a great show. There were the couple's arguments and such, but to be honest, the reality of 8 children is no easy task. I only have 3 and some days i'm taxed like I have 10.

But, after all the tabloid accusations, the infidelity stories, and last Monday night's premiere, it's time to end the show. They have to. The camera angles have changed. In every shot that may have Jon and Kate in it, they're looking for a tense moment, a wrong move, a mean spirited comment. It isn't going to be about the children anymore. It'll be about how the show reflects the media's portrayal.

End it for the kids. It was obvious that Mady and Cara are helping mom out in a new way. Dad's not around, so they've stepped in to replace his presence. They're doing it honestly, but eventually they'll come to understand whats going on. When they are all older do you think they'll resent having a DVD set of their parents marriage dissolving before the world's eyes!?These are REAL people, with REAL emotions, and REAL issues that so many go through in a very private way. But enough is enough.

The show has taken a turn, I literally cried throughout the episode. Cried when one of the birthday girls told her daddy she missed him. This reality has become too real and too sad. It's not the same show anymore, it can't be. Kate's tears, no matter how her makeup looked, were real. I wouldn't be disappointed if that was the premiere and the finale of the show, it has to end now. TLC, let Jon and Kate deal with their family issues in private, do it for the kids!