Monday, November 5, 2007

Choose you this day whom ye will serve.

Just a warning, you may want to get comfortable as this might be lengthy. I don't know about for any of you, but for me it's also going to be very emotional. The title of this entry comes from a verse in the Bible that so often seems trite or like a no brainer. I would never deliberately serve Satan, of course I serve God. Really? That is not true. I'll be honest with you, even at this very moment, I want to walk away from my computer and not finish this entry because it makes me more than a bit vulnerable and it would be much easier to walk away. After all, if I don't hit publish, no one would be the wiser. I have been dancing with the devil for some time now and there is part of me that doesn't want to give it up. How can that be, you ask? You see, when I give into self loathing and I deny the power of Heavenly Father in my life, I've chosen not to serve Him and in so doing, I'm serving Satan. No one can serve two masters, right? Our loyalty can only be in one place and while I want to serve God, I'm hanging onto the darkness that threatens to suck the very life out of me.

If you were walking down the street and your child was with you, dancing along, singing and enjoying the day, would you gladly hand him or her over to a drug dealer or a pedophile and walk away thinking it would all be ok? No. If a dealer or a pedophile would try to steal your child from you what would you do? You would fight to the death trying to save and protect your child. Why are we often less passionate or intent on saving our hearts/minds/soul/spirit from the attacks Satan tries to throw at us? Heck, I've opened the door, given him the keys to my kingdom and let him plunder me over and over and over again. I can't tell you right now the torment that I've been living in for the last few weeks and why? Because I let him tell me that I'm disgusting to look at, I'm unlovable, I'm stupid, I'm lazy, I'm a horrid mother, I've ruined my kids, they'd be better off without me, my husband deserves better, I destroy everything I touch, if people truly saw the real me they wouldn't like me, and on and on and on ad nauseum. The stupid thing is...I believe it. I believe every word of it and I can spend hours giving you reasons why all of the above is true. I do nothing to protect myself because I don't see myself as worth it. I'm worthless. Just ask me. I'll prove it to you.

Now, I know the scriptures are the perfect, inerrant word of a living God. So, it's either completely true, or none of it's true. That means, Jesus is a redeemer or he's not. Well, I believe He is. I believe He is for you, for my kids, for my husband, for those I love, etc... so then how can it not be true for me? I can tell you why, but that's because Satan is so very good at what he does. He laces the lies with enough truth to make them believable and he hammers away at us mercilessly until we start believing the lie. There is a saying that says what we fear, we create which is almost like self fulfilling prophesy. Well, I have to choose to stand up, make him shut up, and choose this day to serve a Savior that was willing to take the beatings He took for me. He died... for me. Does it mean that I'm going to be perfect? Nope. Does it mean it's going to be easy? Not as long as we live in an imperfect world. Even as I type this, the battle is raging inside me, but for me..... I choose right now to serve the Lord. So long as He can provide me the strength I need, I can do anything.

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