Thursday, November 15, 2007

Managing Conflicting Emotions

How the heck to you do it? I am in such an emotional tug-of-war right now that it is driving me crazy. And I feel so guilty about it that I swear I am giving myself an ulcer.

It's no secret that I don't like living in Texas. I grew up in a very small town, where everyone knew everyone and you were related to almost everybody. I had my parents and grandparents, I had all my aunts and uncles close.....and a couple of dozen cousins that I could play with whenever I wanted. I had a VERY close relationship with my grandmother. She was my hero and one of my very best friends. I would live at her house in the summers and spend as much time with her as I could. It was an amazing relationship and one I treasure now more than ever. My grandma passed away 8 years ago.

Living here in Texas we have no family. Everyone is in Canada.....for both Ross and my family. His mom, my parents, his oldest son, my siblings, and our nephews.....all in Canada. My kids don't really know their cousins and haven't seen their grandparents in over 2 years. I HATE THAT!! I want my kids to have the same close knit family ties that I had.

I love my husband, and I have followed him everywhere since we've been married. And, we have moved.....A LOT!!! He loves living here. His business is taking off like crazy, the kids are thriving and doing really well too. So, why am I so unhappy? Am I just being selfish, because I miss my family and want to give my kids what I had? UGH! My brain is hurting. I wish I could just be happy with where we are, but I'm not. And I can't explain that to my husband, because he wouldn't understand. He didn't have the same type of childhood that I did. His family wasn't close and didn't care if they ever saw eachother. This is so much easier for him to deal with. I don't have "friends" here. I mean, there are people from church that I communicate with occassionally, but are they really my "friends" in the sense of a sisterhood bond that most people equate with close friends? And can I ever achieve that with people? Again, my husband doesn't understand the need for friends. He is my best friend, and says that's all he needs and doesn't understand why I have the need for other friends. Maybe it's a woman thing, a type of bonding instinct we have that men don't. I don't know. Ugh, why is life so complicated?

3 comments:

Miss Allison said...

Warning: This is a LONG one.

I completely understand how you feel (in the friendship department). I haven't had a really good friend, a "best" friend, or whatever they are called, since high school. Wherever I've moved to, I haven't been able to have that same connection as I have with my high school friends. Maybe it's because we're all married and busy now with different schedules.

When we moved here we moved the farthest what we have ever moved from our family. The time we were the farthest from my parents (three hours) we were the closest to Loren's parents (one hour). But when we moved here, that completely changed. We now had a state and a time zone or two between us (we're from AZ where they don't change times zones---they're the smart ones).

We took a couple days to find a place to live and we found this home. When we walked inside it was still in the process of becoming live-in ready. Pretty much the house was a dump but we really liked it and felt that this was where we needed to be.

So we pack up our lives of living in Arizona, say our tearful goodbyes to those we love, knowing that we will see them again, but not as often as we would staying in AZ, and trekked our way here.

The driving sucked. We finally get to the house, with a few men from EQ to help us. We open our front door to our home and immediately are blown over by the horrendous odor of wet dog. It was BAD, like hard to breathe bad. The carpets were digusting, our landlords were going to change them but decided not to but have them cleaned. When we visited the house there were tarps all over the carpet and all the windows open so we couldn't see or smell anything that would make us get strict with the landlord about this issue. I noticed the place wasn't cleaned at all, except for the countertops and the dishwasher which had like dirt or something inside. The light switches, were FILTHY. I cried as I easily wiped the dirt from it. We had moved from a brand new house that we bought to THIS.

I was depressed. Very depressed. How come it felt so right to live in this house when it was a pile of dog crap sprinkled with dog pee. I was most depressed because I couldn't understand that Heavenly Father made us feel it was right and at that moment when I walked in the house, my hopes were dashed to bits. What were visitors going to think of this house? How is this going to reflect on us? Look at this carpet and my son is going to be crawling on it?

We found out with Loren's urine detector that about 60% of the carpet was covered in urine.

I begged my family and Heavenly Father for an answer to this depressing chaos that ran through my mind. And the one response I got was to "bloom where you are planted". I still hate this house and cringe when I think of my landlords. It has taken me these past seven months to actually bloom. I refused to allow myself to feel this as home.

But after much contemplation on this house and why were are here I realized that Heavenly Father didn't plant us here for the home, but for the ward that we were to be in. Maybe there is something important that we need to do here. Maybe there is someone here that'll touch our lives. I don't know exactly, but the Lord does.

My advice is to that even though you are far from family, to remember the closeness you have with them and have that with your family. Maybe Texas is where you'll end up staying and were your kids and their families will want to stay too because you are there. Because you are home. You can use the example that your family has taught you and can be that to yours as they grow.

Sorry for this extremely long novel. I wouldn't be surprised if you skipped over a bunch of it.

Erin said...

Allie, I didn't skip a single word.....but that is where I am having the problem. This isn't "home" to me. Home is where I was surrounded by family, where I had friends I was EXTREMELY close with and Texas is neither of those things. I'm not sure it's that I'm consciously choosing to not like it here. I have tried.....and it just doesn't work. I miss it terribly. I miss seeing my nephews grow up. I miss driving around town or going shopping with my mom, just because I could. I miss friends....A LOT. I just miss the feeling of home and family.

And I can completely relate to you on the house issue.....and maybe that is part of my "depression" lately too. When we first moved to Texas we lived in a big beautiful house with a massive yard, a pool, everyone had their own bedroom, there was a game room that the kids could play in, we lived on a quiet cul de sac where it was peaceful and I felt safe and we had amazing neighbors. We were in a lease to own contract on the house. Well, we went to Arkansas the week before last Thanksgiving and came home to find the house under water......and the owner/landlord didn't have adequate insurance to fix it. So, I had to move out of my dream home. Now I live in a MUCH smaller house where 75% of our belongings are still in boxes in the garage because there is no room for it, our younger two share a room, it is always messy and cluttered because there really isn't a place for everything. I haven't even really hung pictures up on the wall because this place just isn't "me" and doesn't feel like my "home". I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I hate feeling like this, but it's been a year, and no matter what I try to do to feel better it just doesn't work.

**geez....who wrote the novel now? LOL!**

Anonymous said...

You Erin....PUT UP SOME PICTURES....make your house a HOME and MAYBE it will make you feel better....and keep hooking up air miles and come for a visit....But some flowers and take time to smell them....life is so short...I know you are homesick...but time goes to fast to waste it being sad...buck up and know your family LOVES you and hey....we have eternity right?.......