Tuesday, October 7, 2008

An Open Letter To:

I'm tired.

We women are often so eager to please everyone, so convinced that we must be able to juggle everything all at once, always be available to everyone, that maybe admitting to being tired is a really big deal. So, I admit freely that I am tired. Very tired. Too tired to even think up any interesting, funny mommy stuff for you to peruse. This is how I know that I am exhausted. I have an endless supply of source material for your reading pleasure, and yet I can't get my bleary little eyes focused, or my foggy little brain clear enough to post anything for you.

Since I enjoyed that open letter to Senator Palin so much, I thought I'd jot down a few other 'open letters' rolling around in my brain.

Dear Women of America,

Just because a book makes it to Oprah's Book Club list, doesn't mean that it is a great book. Granted, there are some good ones. But, someone mentioning Oprah's Book Club as a "showcaser of the great works of literature" almost made my head explode. Please do me a favor, visit a library. It is a forgotten past time. There they can help you to uncover the true great works of literature.

Love,La Momma

Dear Very, Very Large Women at the Pool,

I so wish I had the guts. I really do. I just don't know how you do it. If I won't even be caught dead after three kids in a two piece bathing suit, how on earth do you find the courage? I mean some of you must have 50, 75, even 100 lbs on me. How is it that you have no problem 'letting it all hang out'? When you get dressed and look in the mirror, does it not look the same to you as it does to the outside world? Seriously. Because I look, see one little roll, one little bit of flab and it's back to the closet I go. Now, I would not dare to discriminate or judge anyone based on their size, but oh.my.gosh. I am sorry but there is something just not right about a women that weighs 300 lbs. walking around in a bikini. Not that their is anything wrong with weighing 300 lbs itself, well aside from potential health factors - but I digress. Some things just don't look good. Some people don't look good with short hair, some people can't pull off bright red lipstick, and people who can't see their feet should not wear bikinis... or spandex now that I think about it. Large women- don't hate me. I'm not saying you shouldn't go to the beach or pool. I am not saying you don't deserve to wear a bathing suit and splash around and have fun, I am thrilled that you are comfortable with your bodies. I am just telling you that the bikini- it just doesn't look good. Sorry.

Love,The Mommy

Dear People who take their kids to restaurants,

Clean your crap up! If your kid throws stuff on the floor- pick it up! The people that work in restaurants are not your maids, they are not your servants. They are there to serve us food. If you're too good to pick it up, hire someone to follow your lazy ass around and pick up after your kids. Mmmmmkay?

Love,The Momster

Dear Child Beauty Pageant Entrants,

Three year olds should not wear lipstick and eyeshadow. That is all.

Love,Mommy Dearest

Don't you worry, I'll think of more. Right now though, I am tired. I have to go and do a million things that I am probably too tired to do, but I agreed to do, because that is what we moms do. Whew! Hey, feel free to suggest your own open letter topics. I just might make this a regular feature.


Karen said...

I agree wholeheartedly with your letters..especially with the child beauty pageant one! They make me sooo angry! Mostly with the moms who say "she wants this, I just make it happen" . Grrrrr.

Maren said...

Thank you for validating me on the Oprah Book Club thing.
Pageant mom. Now that is an interesting species.

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