Here lies Erin's fat roll.....RIP

I’m weird. (We all already know this, right?) So just humor me and let me ponder ridiculous things.

I watched a plastic surgery special the other day. (That’s always a good start to a post.) Watching tummy tucks and liposuction on TV usually grosses people out, but it just puzzles me. For instance, what happens to the hacked off fat roll? Do they bury it in some mass grave with other unwanted flaps of skin? Can I take it home and bury it in my backyard, next to Fuzzy the Hamster? Can I use it to plant a tree in my backyard? (Hey, Matthew McConaughey planted his girlfriend’s placenta—why can’t I plant my fat roll?)

Maybe the hospital cremates all the skin. If so, how do you get THAT job? I’m picturing a guy in scrubs shoveling loads of tummies into the fire, muttering, “I went to nursing school to do this? Why didn’t I major in business? Stupid! Stupid!”

Also? What if the doctor and nurses performing the surgery weren’t professional (like the cast of Scrubs)? What if the doctor cuts of my roll and then holds it up in front of him like an ugly sweater from Goodwill and yells, “Eww! Look at this!” while all the nurses giggle and scream, “Daaaammmmnnn!” like Martin Lawrence, and I’m laying there all oblivious? And vulnerable. With tape holding my eyes closed.

So, while I envy the flat stomachs of others, I don’t think I could actually go through with a lipo/tummy tuck combo platter. Unless I could take my roll home in a Nike shoe box and bury it in the backyard, where I could visit it and take it flowers. (And peanut butter cups, for old time’s sake.)