Monday, April 20, 2009

Thoughts while applying self tanner

I hope this stuff doesn’t stink.

Maybe I have some odd metal in my body that causes a reaction with the tanner? And maybe that’s why my skin smells like rusty swing set and sun-baked sweat 2 hours after I put it on?

I should totally Google that.

I won’t though. I’ll forget.

I should keep like, a GOOGLE NOTEPAD, and write myself notes of random crap to Google.

I can’t even write a grocery list, though. Scratch that idea.

“Wash hands after applying.” But what about the top of my hands? I’m not Michael Jackson. I shouldn't have Glitter Glove tan lines—right?

Legs first…ewww. I am horrifically white. And I think I have cankles. Gross. I should just wear pants 24/7.

Legs are depressing. I’ll work on my arms.

Arms, shoulders, chest…Um. Okay. What about the boobs?

I sometimes wear low cut tops, so I definitely should do the tops…but what about the bottoms? Who has tanned under-boobs?

I just sloped it under there accidentally. Decision made! I am the only woman with tan under-boobs who DIDN’T do topless handstands by the pool.

I’m not doing my stomach or butt. I just don’t care….and my butt would probably require half the bottle by itself.

I wish I had those self tanner wipes I saw on QVC. That would be awesome! Too bad they are freaking expensive—and the woman peddling them looks insane and…crispy. Like dark brown crispy bacon.

I wonder if she smells like rust, too? Or maybe even BACON?

If I ever had an inking to be drunk at 2:30 in the afternoon (or ever), I’m SOOO going to call into QVC and ask her on air. “Hi! Can you tell me if your wipes will make me smell like old playground baking in the sun?!? No? I don’t believe you. Excuse me? Model in back with one tan arm and one white arm? Can you smell her for me? She stinks, right? HA! I knew it!”

But…they probably have QVC call screeners or something all trained to weed out the drunken crazies. I wish they wouldn’t. I’d watch QVC all day if there might be a hilarious phone call every once in awhile.

I should e-mail them.

Is this crap dry YET? I don’t want to hang out naked in my bathroom all day! I have crap to do…Like Google things and compose my brilliant e-mail to QVC.

1 comment:

Mark and Emily said...

LOL!!!!! Love this post and I'm a total googler too, it's a little out of control...but so educational!

You didn't ask for self tanning advice but here's a couple anyways:
1. Exfoliate first
2. Use a sponge brush (ya know those ones you paint with)

Even using these tips I still can't get it to look good so good luck, hope the hubby likes the smell of sweaty bacon was it?!!

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